Can I admit something without everyone getting all judgmental? Without people thinking less of me? Without people telling me that I am supposed to be above all this and I am not supposed to have personal feelings or emotions?
Let me first say that I love school. I love learning. In this new program I am learning all sorts of great things that can be applied to my current job and things I would love to be doing. I'm currently reading this great book called Social Media and Public Relations by Deirdre K. Breakenridge. It has given a lot of detail about how social media works in the public relations field - and it has also shown me jobs that I would love to do! Like things I am excited about, that I want to look into more, that I want to pursue when I graduate with this 2nd Master's.
But sometimes I feel it is all overwhelming and I have no clue how I made it through the first round between 2012-2014. Not a lot has changed. My house is still full. I still have evenings where I take care of my niece. I sometimes fall asleep while I'm trying to read through my homework.
I feel like I should quit sometimes. I feel like it's not worth the struggle. I feel like the nights I am up reading or the Saturdays I am writing forum posts, working on papers, or fighting with APA are a waste of my time. I don't understand why it is harder this time around. I made it through two years of classes with the same things going on. And it was hard. But it doesn't feel like it was as hard as it is now.
Is it because I really, really want to succeed in this program? Is it because I feel like it is really right up my alley?
I hate to talk about the fact that I feel like quitting sometimes. Because there are parts of school that I do love. Sometimes the reading is a lot. But I enjoy it. I've enjoyed the friendships I've made as a result of group projects or forum discussions. And there are times I enjoy the lengthy papers, because when you read something that's 15-20 pages and it looks all professional and you know you wrote it, there's a huge sense of accomplishment. Especially if you do well on the paper. In fact, much of it I do love. But I want to do better than last time. So I put an immense amount of pressure on myself to do better. And when I can't spend as much time reading or studying or writing as I want to, I get frustrated and throw up my hands and say "I quit!"
But I don't quit.
I don't give up. (Don't give up! Don't step aside. Don't run and hide....sorry, just started to bust into a junior choir cantata song....)
And I don't drop out.
I push through and persevere.
I cry too.
But when Friday, May 19, 2017 rolls around...I will walk across that stage and know that even though it was a tougher struggle the second time around, "I DID IT!"
(And no, I won't be a 3rd time grad student....that's a promise.)
