Merging is a New Journey - Fulfilling a Promise 1 Year Later

 Some of you may have seen the picture I've put on this blog entry before...

I can't find the post on Facebook now, but as I was transitioning from Wappingers to PUMC, my beloved high school music teacher, Polly James, posted on one of my statuses about joining choir.  I told her that when I was done with school (3rd and FINAL, yes FINAL degree) I would.  And as I finished school in May, 2020...we were still in a pandemic and there was no choir to be had.

Now, almost a full year after finishing, I am completely excited about choir rehearsal coming up THIS THURSDAY!!!!!  I am fulfilling my promise, a year later.  But at least the delay wasn't my fault!

While I am very excited about this, I am also a bit nervous.  I'm still working on my vocal range.  It has gotten better, thanks to being able to lead worship through song with smaller groups on a monthly basis.  And, well, I sing a lot in the car!  So those things have definitely helped.  I know a few people in the choir already, or at least that I knew had been in choir before, but I'm sure I don't know everyone.  And, there is always the introverted part of me that worries about being in new groups or large groups.

But I am trying to let the excitement overcome the nerves.

I am excited that I get to sing with a group of people.

I am excited that I get to exercise my voice again.

I am excited that I get to participate in church in a new-at-PUMC way.

I am excited that I get to sing a lot more now!

And I am excited that I get to finally fulfill a promise I made what seems like so long ago!

Thursday Thoughts - The Evolution of My Headaches

So, I'm a migraine sufferer.  If you have followed my blog from when I was writing less frequently or you know me in person or you have read other posts on social media, you probably know this already.

My migraines have a set pattern or evolution.  I'm sure everyone's own experiences with migraines or headaches are very different.  But I thought that I would talk a bit about mine because not only can it be considered predictable at times but also explains some strange things about me.

Typically my migraines begin overnight.  They can be caused by any of the following:

1 - Eating too late at night (generally past 7/7:30pm) and not taking pain killers before bed
2 - Having caffeine too late at night (see #1 for conditions)
3 - Having any drink that isn't water too late at night (see #1 for conditions)
4 - Sleeping on my neck wrong
5 - Getting overheated while sleeping
6 - Stress
7 - Dehydration
8 - Unknown reasons

I can usually time my headaches and know when I'll be completely rid of the migraine portion.  They last 12 hours on average, sometimes less and sometimes longer.  It all depends on how bad the migraine is when I first catch it.

Painkiller of choice is Excedrin.  Not Excedrin Migraine.  Just Extra Strength Excedrin.  They all have the same amount of ingredients in them - there is literally no difference.  At least from how I read the labels.  Except that you can take Excedrin every 6 hours and the other stuff every 12 hours.

If the headache is bad enough and I have time, I'll spend 10-15 minutes or so with an ice pack to the back of the neck.  Or at least a cool cloth if an ice pack isn't available.  I'll make sure to have coffee.  And, if I think it was brought on by dehydration,  I'll drink my coconut water.  There are times I will also have a peppermint because my stomach doesn't feel right.  And, for some really, really strange reason I crave crunchy snacks like pretzels.  I guess they have the right amount of salt and crunch that makes my head feel okay?

Eventually, the headache dissipates. Or, I should say the migraine dissipates.  At this point, several things happen.  My stomach starts to feel really funky.  Most times people would say this is a bad thing.  But, for me, I know my migraine is on its way out so I see it as a good thing.  Also, I start to want to eat everything.  Even if I just had lunch, I want to eat more.  Usually snack stuff.  And it's not that I'm even hungry.  I just want to eat stuff. 

I also start to get a little crazy.  It's when I can't stop myself from singing instrumental music.  I get very excited and animated about random things and will talk to anyone incessantly finding things to talk about, which is odd because I don't always like to talk a lot.  And sometimes things seem all so new and extra wonderful to me.

 Admiring the Moon post-headache

And then I get the rebound headache.  It is an annoying headache.  Not as intense or side-oriented as a migraine.  But still there.  And annoying.  And then I get exhausted.  Like very tired suddenly.  Usually by that point it is the end of the day, so I can go to bed!

That is the typical path my migraines take.  And maybe explains just a bit more about me!

Merging Is A New Journey - Pentecost! New Life!

Last week was the first in-person, in the sanctuary worship service since the start of Advent.  It was a very different sense though.  In mid-July when in-person worship started, it was an 8:30am service that was not very heavily attended.  Maybe because of the heat.  Maybe because people still didn't like to go out much.  Maybe because it was too early.  For me, it was just back into old habits because at Wappingers, I would leave home at 8am to get the sanctuary ready for a 9am service.  Now I was just leaving at 8am to get to Poughkeepsie in time.

A decision was made to combine the in-person service (at 8:30am) with the live-streamed service (10am) at a 9:30am start time.  Then we were asked to stop in-person services due to an uptick in COVID-19 numbers...and so it remained until the end of April when we had three outdoor services before moving to indoor worship last week.

So why am I writing about being in-person this week and not so much last week?

Last week I was running tech and we were at the front of the church, so it was really hard to gauge what was going on behind me.  Plus, we couldn't sing, with masks on, yet.

Yesterday was the first Sunday we could SING AGAIN, TOGETHER, with masks on.  And tech had moved to the back of the church.  So I had a great view of EVERYTHING.  And it was amazing.

The pew unto myself for running Zoom

Also because I could really get up and move around during the music, which I honestly really enjoyed.  Something has woken up inside me.  It happens every once and awhile.  Like after a day away doing something church-related, like the Laity Convocation.  Or a few days away like Annual Conference, when it was in person.  But in the past I would come back from those things really excited and then have to tone myself down.  Because there just did not seem to be a time or a place for that.

Until now.

Because I seem to be among others who feel the same as me with worship music.  In discovering myself so many months ago in a new place that is now like home, I have found how I am most comfortable and I am not embarrassed about it.  I don't feel silly.  Or ashamed.  Or even awkward.  I feel that I am able to praise God more fully.  Which is a great thing.

Don't get me wrong, with all sorts of people coming back to church, I still have a lot of faces (or half faces) to get to know.  Because many of them I never saw before because I was so busy keeping to myself.  But I am looking forward to it.  I am looking forward to bonding with others who are like me, who can't keep still when praising God.  Who can't keep quiet.  Who get excited.  Who cry when the music or the words or the instruments get to them.  

There have been many different moments over the past 10 months where I have felt renewed.  And this was just another one of them where I truly felt new life.  And I am so excited of what is coming next!

Thursday Thoughts - Sometimes I Should Listen to Myself!

Not that I think everything I say or feel or whatever is right.  I just want to say that right off the bat.

But, but sometimes I share my knowledge and experience with others.  When I should also take that into account for myself.

I should come with a warning label.  Here is one.

My Warning Label

Also, oh, maybe a couple years ago my bestie Jess told me about drinking coconut water to help with headaches, especially if they were brought on by dehydration.  Our coconut water of choice is the Vita Coco Pineapple Coconut water.  Whenever Jess tells me she has a headache or that she is dehydrated, I make sure she has coconut water and offer to bring her some if she doesn't.

 So let's fast forward to yesterday.  Or backtrack to yesterday.  Whatever direction you think is best.  I was really pretty thirsty.  I had an evening meeting and ran out of water with about 15 minutes left in the meeting and I was so thirsty!  I had a headache off and on for most of the day, so when I got home, I took something and did drink a lot of water.  I went to bed.  Woke up around 5am, still had a headache, so took more stuff and slept until Sparkle woke me up around 6:50am.  Still had the headache.  Realized, ummm....maybe I needed my coconut water!  Which was at work!

Got to work and then started to drink my coconut water.  And guess what?  My head started to get some relief!

Sometimes I really should listen to myself.

Same goes for needing to take time for myself.  Making sure to not work so hard and so late.  Remembering to rest.  Get out and enjoy the weather.  Take a small walk to break a routine.  Be thankful for the small things in addition to the big things.  Always remember my blessings.  Listen to good music.  Listen to organ music.  Listen and sing along to organ music very LOUDLY.  And most important of all, Thank God every day for waking me up, for getting me through the day, and everything that happens in between.

Merging is a New Journey - Looking AHEAD!

So often in this blog series I find myself looking back, reflecting on something that happened to me in the past that reminded me of something else in the past.  I don't want to stay in the past because that is no way to live.  But one's past definitely shapes their future in many different ways.  Sometimes when I drive past the old church building, I find myself thinking about the past and continuing to beat myself up thinking there was more I could have done.

But...then I think about my current situation.  And I look ahead.

Looking ahead - 5/16/2021

So, if things didn't happen the way they did, I wouldn't have the great group of friends I do now.  I wouldn't be involved like I am now.  I was involved before, but it was very different from my involvement now.  I wouldn't have reconnected with people.  And I probably wouldn't be a singing crazy person now.

I could go on and on about my present church life.

But I want to look AHEAD.

I want to look ahead to the first time since the pandemic began that we can sing as a congregation!

I want to look ahead at being part of a choir again!

I want to look ahead to meeting with groups of people to do things at church instead of on Zoom alone.

I want to look ahead to how I am growing in my faith.

I want to look ahead to getting to know those I now consider friends much better than I do right now.

I want to look ahead to meeting more people now that we are meeting in person again.

I want to look ahead to getting to know the people I have only interacted with via Zoom, now that we can do more in person.

I want to do more Bible studies and classes and book studies and things with my small group, who I was so blessed to be matched with.

I am so excited for the things that are coming my way!

Thursday Thoughts - Why Do I Still Do This?

A long time ago (possibly in a galaxy far, far away) I heard it said that, at least for women, if you dress yourself nice or make yourself look nice, it makes you feel better, even if you aren't feeling your best.  So, that might mean wearing a dress.  For me, that means putting on makeup or doing something nice with my hair.

The past few months I found my "Sunday Hair" (nice hair for singing or preaching or otherwise doing something in church) came out best when I did a double-shampoo of my nice scalp treatment shampoo, single time with the conditioner, and then a french braid of my hair while wet (aka Saturday Hair).

Saturday Hair so I can have Sunday Hair

I had been doing a simple braid, but I found I liked the results a bit better with a french braid.  Plus if I went out somewhere afterwards (usually a sunset viewing) it looked a bit nicer.

So, it has been basically a weekly routine when I do this to my hair.  In order to look nice for Sunday.

But this past weekend I found myself doing my weekly routine.  And asking myself "Why am I doing this?  I'm not doing anything special on Sunday!"

Why do I still do stuff like this?

Maybe it goes back to going through the effort in order to look nice helps me feel better.  

Or maybe I just want to look nice on Sundays again.  Though it's funny because the past two Sundays we have been outside, I have been wearing my sunglasses, and I have still gone through the effort to put some eye shadow on.  Haha!

Whatever the reason, I still continue with my Saturday Hair in order to have Sunday Hair.  And on Sunday putting on a bit of eye shadow.  And wonder why I am going through the effort week after week.

Merging is a New Journey - What a Difference a Week Makes

Last week I was not quite myself and I blogged why.  Though my weekend was rough, being at church this week I could tell the difference in myself.

5/9/2021 - A Better Version of Me

I was excited to be at church.
Nature was just so beautiful, from the flowers and the trees to the sky, to the sun shining down on us.
It was great seeing everyone again, in their chairs, enjoying the service.
I felt free to get up out of my chair to dance around a bit.  Because the music just made me.
I had that feeling of being part of a large family.

Each week I feel like I am growing and growing.  But this past week was definitely a remarked improvement from last week.  I was more myself this week.  Even though I wasn't singing and was instead being a tech guide and training someone on the YouTube side of live-streaming, I still felt very connected to everything.

What a difference a week makes.

Even though I struggled this weekend - for some reason I was very sad.  I still celebrated on Sunday.  

The journey of merging continues.  Because I am always learning something.  Something that maybe I would have learned if we hadn't merged.  But something I definitely learned because we are merged.

Thursday Thoughts - When You Can Tell Something is Wrong

Sunset 5/1/2021

I promise I will stop rehashing all this soon.  Because for one thing, it keeps upsetting me how stupid I was, not just for how I thought I was feeling but for not recognizing the issue sooner.  I do need to let go, move on, and focus on things that are physically in front of me and not virtually behind me.

Everyone knows that I have been slightly obsessed with sunsets for the past several months.  (And if you don't, you do now!)  Pretty much every weekend (or a Friday if I think the weekend isn't going to be so sunny) I've been finding a place to go to watch the sun set and take a ton of pictures.  Mostly it's been the Beacon Train Station (on the other side of the tracks) but I've gone a few other places too.  I have said it before - there is just something about watching the water and the sun setting behind something that is calming and a true time of peace for me.

Last Saturday this was not the case.  At all.  I was sitting, watching the sun set and the water, and I was anything but getting a sense of peace!  I was anxious.  If you read my last blog entry, you know why.  (Again, not rehashing.)  But I should have known something was up because I was not enjoying the sunset like I normally did.  I didn't stay as long as I usually did to get the last bit of light.  I didn't take as many pictures.  I didn't watch as much as I did previous times.

Music did not bring me as much joy as it once did.  On my playlist of all my favorite songs I couldn't find anything I wanted to listen to.  I moved to my vocal warmup songs to prepare for singing on Sunday, and I couldn't find anything I wanted to sing to.

Sunday came and I was with some of my favorite people preparing to lead worship.  And I wasn't my joyful self.  When the question about how I was came up, my answer was "I'm here" which should have been a key to me.  It was a sunny day.  It was warm.  It was ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL outside.  And all I could manage was "I'm here."  I should have been more than just "here."

I should have known something was wrong.  Very wrong.

It just took me a few hours after that to finally get it.

Our bodies tell us when they are tired and need rest, either sleeping or just sitting and putting your feet up.  Or when they are hungry.  Or when they are thirsty.  Or when a cold is coming on.

But our hearts tell us when things aren't right either.  Or our behaviors.  It is just up to us to recognize that.  I should have known something was wrong.  And maybe deep down I did because it kept bothering me.  I just wish it hadn't taken so long to realize it.

Merging is a New Journey - Why would I want to give this up???

Sometimes I make really (really) stupid choices.  I open my heart to find people who only want one thing from me, or smother me so much that I lose myself, or just want to use me for money, or try to scam me.  All in the name of "love."

So, what does this have to do with my "Merging is a New Journey" series?  Or church in general?

Because I was so convinced someone loved me and wanted to be with me, that I let it pull me away from all that I have been blessed with in my merging journey.

Before worship on a sunny day!

It was a fast, online only "relationship" where the scammer convinced me that he was so in love with me.  That he wanted to be with me forever.  That he would make me happy.  That God led us to be together.  It was literally a Hallmark movie.  Not the one where a former couple reconnects but the one where two strangers meet and within days they are in love with each other.  (In this case, it was 1 side more than my side.)

And then it happened.  "I need you to get me 2 iPhones so I can complete my contract....."  And not only was it to get 2 iPhones, but then it was to also FedEx 2 iPhones to Nigeria.  While still "expressing love" and trying to tell me to "calm down" when I questioned it.  

Nothing about this felt right.  

God kept telling me in different ways that it took me a bit to realize.

But I did, before I was really stupid.

And once I did, something amazing happened.

God continued to show me grace.  My love and appreciation for music returned, because it did not make me as joyful as it usually did.  I started singing randomly again.  I lost that pit in my stomach that make me feel terrible.  I got hungry again.  A stress headache I had went away.  My anxiety level reduced significantly.  The person ahead of me in the drive through at Sonic paid for my impulse buy of a huge soda and mozzarella sticks.  And most of all, the people I have told of my stupidity have assured me that I wasn't stupid - I trusted, and though the trust was misplaced, I realized it before I made a truly stupid mistake and got stuff to send to Nigeria.

But God also showed me that this whole merger process has created a renewed me.  Or, thinking like a Doctor Who fan, a regenerated me.  Someone who has a renewed sense of purpose, life, and a love of worship.  (And music, don't forget the music!)  I feel so stupid that I thought I could give that all up.  But God has placed so many people in my life that I can't imagine them not being part of my life on a regular basis not just through email or phone conversations or text message but also in person or on a screen.

Why would I want to give this up??

There is no reason.

Sometimes this journey has shown me how things have changed from one church to the other.  But this weekend, I learned just how important my renewed faith journey is and how no one should try to steer me from it - even if they say it was a meeting brought together by God.