When I say I have a headache (my version)...... #migraine

When I say I have a headache, I don't mean an annoying pain in my forehead.

When I say I have a headache, I mean I have more pain in my head than I can tolerate.

Sometimes it makes me sick to my stomach.
It makes loud footsteps sound like jackhammers.  And forget about what actual jackhammers sound like.

Sometimes it makes me sensitive to light.
So I might wear sunglasses, even if it is cloudy out, because the amount of light that is there, is just too much to bear.

Sometimes it makes me tired.
Not just tired after a long day at work, but I can't keep my eyes open tired and I have to do things to force them to stay open.

Sometimes it makes me cranky and unenthusiastic.
It isn't just the pain that does it, but the fact that I can't enjoy doing things I like to do or spending time with people I like to hang out with.

Sometimes it messes with my sense of smell.
Strong smells set off my stomach.  And I constantly think I am smelling cigarettes, even when there are none nearby.

Sometimes I don't understand when others say they have a headache and do things I can't do when I have one.
Headaches for me mean no desire to watch TV, read, or play on a computer/tablet/phone because it makes the pain worse.  And I don't understand how others with headaches can still do those things.  Why can't I?

Sometimes I have to eat.
I fight back the sick to my stomach feeling and eat, especially crunchy things to alleviate the pain.  And yes, I do sometimes eat stuff that others consider disgusting.

Sometimes it is hard to communicate.
My words get mixed up.  I type, but switch my letters around.  It takes me awhile to say what I want to say.

I have learned my triggers (chocolate too late at night) and behaviors (staying up too late on a Friday night expecting to sleep in on Saturday morning, which never happens).  But even dealing with those aren't guaranteed to prevent a headache.

When I say I have a headache, I've already taken the maximum amount of painkillers for my head and I am counting down when I can take more.

When I say I have a headache, I would like nothing more than to go back to bed and sleep with an ice pack where ever it hurts.  But I can't, because I usually have something else to do.

And the best part of a headache, is the point in time when I am released from pain, I feel exhaustion from fighting the pain all day, and then I go to bed and hope I wake the next day without a repeat of that day's experience.

When I say I have a headache I'm not exaggerating.  I'm not trying to get out of doing something.  And I'm not looking for sympathy.

I am just letting you know I am not at 100%, and I want you to know I am trying, but it is harder than usual.

It's a TRAILER not a TEASER #trailer #teaser #randomthoughts

When one thinks of a "teaser" for a movie, you think of something that is short...makes you crave more...and doesn't last very long.

So here's the Thor: Ragnarok Teaser Trailer...at almost 2 minutes long.





Now here's the Star Wars: The Last Jedi Teaser Trailer....just over 2 minutes long.





So Tuesday evening I went to see the latest Transformer movie (in 3D Imax) and during the usual trailers, there was a series of 3 ACTUAL TEASERS for the movie Dunkirk.  Below is an example of just what we saw in the theater:


 

Short, right?

A teaser, right?

Anything that is longer than a minute should NOT ever be called a "Teaser" - because it's not.  It is a TRAILER.

A teaser is short, to the point, and makes you crave more information that you look it up.

Stop calling a trailer a "teaser" - otherwise everything should just be considered a teaser and there is no such thing as a trailer.

The Capstone Journey #gradschool #lessonslearned #Classof2017

So, at the point when I am starting this, I am halfway through my last class - Capstone.  When I publish this, I will have completed the course - so that you get a sense of what my last 8 weeks have been like.

No one really prepares you for this.


Your class opens a week or so before the official start of the class.  You have the opportunity to review the syllabus.  Because by the 3rd day of class you have to have selected a group to work with for the 8 weeks and to have posted your introduction.

If you don't find a group to work with, you get randomly assigned to a group.  Or put with people who haven't already committed to be in a group within the roster alphabetically.

You have to meet up with them very fast because before long, you have to submit who each week's group leaders are (everyone gets the opportunity to lead) and sign up for a time to meet the professor.

There is one assignment that is due within the first week of class.  That is the only assignment you do on your own (unless you plan to do the extra credit at the end of the class).

Everything else is with your group.

Due to the rapid pace and numerous items of things due, you spend more time with you group members than you do with your own family - or so it seems.  It isn't uncommon to have a meeting with them 4 out of 7 days in the week.

Just as you finish one major assignment, the next is due.

Forget about much of a social life.

My teammates and I all had full-time jobs.  Luckily most days we kept about the same work hours, so we had the same availability after work.  But I found myself cutting out some of the things I do for myself, like attending Bible Study, so that our group could meet earlier and not spent all night working or reviewing assignments.

Sometimes I skipped special church services to prepare for presentations.

Some assignments we had to repeat completing multiple times because of how we interpreted the instructions based on what was expected.

Grading rubrics were helpful guides to know what we needed.

Sometimes team meetings came when I would usually be watching my niece.  My awesome teammates (Patrick and Emily) were great about allowing my niece to hang out with me while we met.  Usually she just lay down next to me playing on the family tablet.  She became an honorary member of our team.  And she liked to wave and say good night to them when it was her bedtime.

Every time there is a paper due, the next day a presentation on the material is expected.  If it is the Easter holiday weekend and your paper is due on Good Friday, you have a presentation the Saturday before Easter.  Even if it's not on the syllabus, the final campaign includes a presentation.  The first presentations are less formal than the last one so you can obtain feedback on your paper before moving on to the next one.  Sometimes there are conflicts with scheduled presentation days and you find you want to do them earlier than later just to get them done.

When the 8 weeks are done, you feel a huge sense of relief.  You made it!  But, then there is also a sense of sadness.  Because it is done.  And, I enjoyed working with my team, so not talking to them on a regular basis felt strange.  And a sense of fear - because you are waiting for final grades.  That last campaign grade.  The class grade.

When you see 100% completed and a great GPA for all your classes, you breathe a sigh of relief.

It's over.

It's done.

It's finished.

You survived.

You passed.

Enjoy graduation.

Then think about what's next.

A story I need to share

A long time ago and not in a galaxy far, far away I was engaged.  

As an overweight person with a conservative view on how things in a relationship should be and things that I will not do until I'm married, my options for men are extremely limited. Please do not try to tell me that there is someone for everyone.  The reality is, sure there might be someone for everyone, but I am not about to give up my independence just to have someone.

I don't know why I feel compelled to tell this story now.  Maybe it is because my social media feeds are filled with pictures and stories of couples going through life doing their thing.  Maybe it is because I have never really told anyone this side of the relationship and I feel like now is the right time.

Because I was overweight, conservative, and an introvert I wound up engaged to someone who, was nice, smart, and didn't hit me...but who was also the first person who showed an interest in me because he saw me for who I was....weight issues, shyness, and all.

I didn't want to wind up alone so I was in the relationship...I was planning to get married....

But then I changed my mind.

See, he was smart.  Very book smart.  And I like smart.  But I don't like smart at my expense.  If you're smart, great!  Don't make me feel stupid though while you spout off your knowledge.  I constantly felt like I was wrong.  Even about things that I knew a little something about...there was always something I was wrong about.

He also seemed to think that everything in my life he had to be privy to, but things in his life he didn't have to share with me.  Whenever I would check my email around him, he was right there reading over my shoulder.  He had to know everything I read or wrote in emails or anywhere else.  I have a feeling if I was into social media back then like I am now, he'd have to have access to all my accounts to see what I posted and what I saw in my feeds.  But when it came to him even checking his own email while I was in the room - forget it.  I would leave the room for a few minutes, he would be checking his email, and as soon as I stepped back into the room, he would close his email.  I even said it was okay if he had to check his email - but he said no.  So, he needed to make sure he knew what I was getting in my email because he didn't trust me?  Or he didn't trust me to know or be aware that he even had email?  Or both?

I suddenly became part of something where there was no longer any "me" because my "me" was absorbed into the "us."  He gave me a sense that because we were engaged and going to be married, that we had to completely be a part of each other's lives outside of something like work.  Because that's what married couples did.  They did everything in their social lives together.

But the reality is, yes there are times when couples (married, engaged, dating, living together, whatever together) do things together.  But there are times they do things apart.  They may share some of the same friends.  But there are other friends that are closer to one side of the partnership than the other.  They may share likes in movies, hobbies, and music but I am sure that there are times when there are differences in those tastes.

So I finally came to the realization that I didn't want to lose "me."  I didn't want to be alone either, but not losing myself was more important than being part of a couple.  So I ended the relationship.

It was brutally hard for me.  I know it was a lot harder for him.  And I don't want to diminish that.  I hope he was able to find someone who fit into the mold he expected in a relationship that I just couldn't deal with.

There are times I regret the decision.  Because I am alone.  And it seems like everyone else around me has someone.  And that just reminds me that I'm alone.

But then I remember that God must have a bigger plan for me.  A plan that requires me to be the way I am right now.  A plan that needed me to not lose myself in a relationship that would cause me to lose my individuality.

And maybe someday I will figure out what that is.

The Things that Happen Over Several Months

Has it really been over 8 months since my last update?

And I was supposed to be blogging more.


So...I think I need to do better at this.

So much has happened since my last blog post.
And so much has not happened.

I turned 40.
I remained single.
I'm almost done with school (again).
I learned how to knit in the round and how to use a circular needle for flat knitting.
I keep trying to get Feedburner to work.
A couple good friends went to Heaven.
I have been happy and sad and excited and nervous and awake and tired.