Standing Strong in my Convictions

In Chapter 6 of Dancing Through Life: Steps of Courage and Conviction by Candace Cameron Bure, she focuses on the lessons learned during her Dancing With The Stars (DWTS) Disney theme week.  She had to stand by her convictions, even if they were not as conservative as people thought they should have been.

Something I have struggled with for many years now is what I'll call the "Significant Other Relationship."  I'll just put it out there.  I am almost 39 years old.  I am overweight.  I am a Christian on the more conservative side than most.  And I am single.

The world expects that at 39 years old that you are married and have a family of your own.  Though there is plenty out there that says the family dynamic is changing, there is still something out there that teaches kids that after a certain point, everyone has a significant other.  And if they don't, something is wrong with them.  I can't tell you the number of times I've had kids ask me, "Where's your husband?" and when I say I don't have one, the follow up question is, "Why not?"

Now, several years ago I was engaged to someone.  At the time I thought it was love.  Or at least, it was the love I deserved.  As an overweight conservative Christian woman, your options, at least in my opinion, are rather limited.  And the first person who showed a romantic interest in me was the one I had to be with.  Because society expected me to be married.  So I had to take what I could get.

But was that the right place to be?

The friends I spent a lot of time with in those years knew that I was afraid of being alone and without someone.  A very faithful man of God, who has recently gone to his eternal home in Heaven, knew that too.  He told me that I knew what I had to do. I didn't want to admit it at that time, but I knew I had to end the relationship.  It took me several weeks to actually do what I knew I had to do.  And it wasn't easy.

In my eagerness to fulfill what society expected - for me to be a good Christian woman and get married and have kids - I almost lost myself in the process.  The part of me that wants to reach others in my preaching.  The part that likes to go to massive worship services from time to time and raise my hands and praise God.  The part of me that likes to go to loud concerts and jump around in time to the music.  The part of me that wanted to go back to school and earn a Master's degree (or two).

I will be honest.  There are times when I still question my decision.  But then I look at my degree audit.  Or my Master's degree.  Or my niece.  Or my family.  Or my church.  And I realize I made the right decision.  Sure I'm alone and I probably will be for the rest of my life.  But at least I am able to do the things I want to with my life, ministry, and education.  And in turn use all that to help others.

I don't expect everyone to agree with what I have to say.  But I wrote what I had to say to encourage you to stand with conviction for what you believe.  I believe that I shouldn't have to settle.  My settling was a moment of weakness and one that I learn from every day.  I can still be all the things that I want to be.  If someone does not want me to be those things, then they best get out of my way.

This post was inspired by Candace Cameron Bure’s new book, Dancing Through Life: Steps of Courage and Conviction. Order your copy of #DancingThroughLife today!

My Irrational Fear...

It is getting to the time of year when my parents go away on vacation for two weeks to Cape Cod and I take care of the house and the family dog.  And the birds.  Can't forget all those bird feeders.

Anyway, I have been going through this process for the last 7 years with Harmi.  The first year I took a week off and actually went away with my parents to kind of "relive" the vacations we used to take when I was a kid and my dad's parents lived there.  Then I was off a couple days to readjust and then I was back to work.  Then I would take a couple days off at the start of their 2 weeks away, and go in late (like 10-11am) the rest of the time.

But I slowly found myself having this irrational fear.

My fear was that I would be out walking Harmi and someone would come by and shoot me and I'd be on the ground and she would run away.  Or something would happen to me while I was at work and I wouldn't be able to come home and Harmi would be wondering where I am and think I had abandoned her.

It got so bad that there were days as I was locking up the house and heading to work that I would be bawling my eyes out, vowing the next year to stay home for the entire two weeks of my parents vacation so that I could be sure nothing would happen to me or to Harmi.

(Just a side note: I thought maybe typing this all out would help me get through it.  But true to myself, I started crying just thinking about all this and had to take a break just now from my typing.)

 Only one time have I been able to take the entire 2 weeks off.  And while the return to work was hard, it was probably the least fearful I had ever been in caring for Harmi.

Pretty soon (in just another week and couple days) my parents are going away again and I will be off the Friday they leave and the whole week following that.  Here's hoping that I won't stress myself out too much when I have to go out to get groceries or I go back to work the week after my time off.