Thursday Thoughts - Things I Still Hear

Earlier this week in my "Merging is an Ongoing Journey" series I wrote about thoughts and memories that still hit me hard when it comes to my life at Wappingers.

That also got me thinking of things that still hit me in my personal life.  And what came to my mind was stuff so much that happened to me in general but the things I still hear that get to me.  And sometimes when some of that comes back to me, I have to get out and find something that helps me appreciate the present moment.  Like the below picture.

Taken 10/28/2021 at Marist

I still hear how Anastasia would cry at me when I told her she shouldn't do something she was doing (and when I'd tell her parents, they would agree with me!).

I still hear how someone who I thought was a friend blew up at me when I got mad at him for the attitude he gave me after doing something I thought was helpful.

I hear the sound of people's voices that were close to me who are no longer with us...my Uncle Lee's ever present question, "What are you doing at church?" (wouldn't he be so proud of me now??).  My friend Margaret's laugh. Fluffy, and JL, and Harmi's barks.  My grandparent's conversations with me.  

I hear my own voice yelling for Sparkle when she escaped her harness.

I hear my ex-fiance's way of saying I was wrong about something and then spouting off a whole history of stuff that would make me feel stupid and worthless (by the way, not in the way Sheldon would on "Big Bang Theory").

This last one I hear a lot.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that was my actual last relationship.  And while I know I really am not stupid or worthless, some things just bring me back to his voice, how I felt, and make me think that's how I should expect to be treated?

It is interesting how some things really stick with me - not just visual memories or feeling memories but hearing memories.  And it's interesting how some great ones stay in addition to the not-so-great ones stay.  

But I know I just need to take it one day at a time, and maybe someday those bad hearing memories will fade away and I'll only still hear the ones that make me smile.

Merging is An Ongoing Journey - Things Still Hit Me

I want to start this one out by saying, this entry doesn't take away from the joy and love I feel as a now merged member of PUMC.  I am so happy I am where I am for a variety of reasons.

But sometimes, things hit me.

The other day my sister told me that the new owners of our church building had taken away all the playground equipment.  Yes, I know new owners are going to have their own vision and they absolutely have every right to do what they want.  I'm okay with that.  And, at first, I was okay with it.  It didn't really phase me.

Then on Friday I drove by the old church building and I saw the lack of playground equipment with my own eyes.  (Mostly because I was stuck where I could see it while waiting for someone to make a left-hand turn.)  And it started to make me sad.

Healing Service Altar 1/2013

I chose to use this image from many years ago because, even though things are still hitting me, I know that means healing is still going on.

There has always been some reminder of the presence of children at that place for as long as I have been there - and I'm sure for many (many) years before that.  But for whatever reason, there no longer being a playground really felt like it was erasing kids from the memory of that place.  It was erasing kids presence overall.

That may not be reality, but that is what was going on in my head Friday night as I drove by.  And it made me sad.

Things still hit me from time to time, even in the midst of all the love, joy, happiness, and peace I am feeling.  And I guess that will keep happening from time to time.  The object, is, I guess, is to yeah let it hit me.  But know I can move forward and not let it bring me down as I continue forward in my now not-so-new church home.  I may write about these things from time to time.  But hopefully less and less things will make me so sad and instead just bring back happy memories.  Like discovering the 2006 Palm Sunday cantata and hearing many familiar voices.  Or finding a phrase in an old report I had written that I could use in a current report I am writing.  And maybe I'll start sharing some of those memories, the ones that make me smile instead of cry.

But for now, I'll work on the healing from my Friday and go from there.

Thursday Thoughts - The Pictures I Take

If you are a friend on Facebook, you know I post a lot of pictures.  They are mostly sunsets, clouds, nature views, Sparkle, and sometimes family pictures.  If you aren't a friend on Facebook and you want to see some photos from time to time, let me know!

Sunset along the road at the Poughkeepsie Galleria (10/20/2021)

Sometimes I just can't help myself from taking a picture.  Like the above photo.  I literally stop in the middle of the road that goes around the Poughkeepsie Galleria and take a photo through my car window.  Or I take photos before I get into my car, like when I'm trying to get a good moon shot after a meeting at church.  Or I make sure I am someplace to get photos, like the water and sunset and clouds by the Beacon train station.

For the curious, I pretty much just point and shoot with my phone.  Or point, zoom, and shoot with my phone.  I have a Samsung Note20 Ultra, and honestly is really is the best phone camera I have ever had.  I don't really play around with settings, except for my night and moon shots.  I use a night mode on both of them which I think does something to the "shutter speed" to help the pictures come out nice.  And the moon photos where you can see some of the craters and stuff is when I zoom all the way in (50x) and work very carefully to get it to focus on the moon.  Once the focus gets set I take the photo and I get what I get.

Sometimes I think about getting a decent digital camera for some of this.  But I'm happy with my phone!

There are times I wonder if maybe I take too many photos.  Or not so much that I take too many photos but I share too many photos.  But, I really just like sharing what I get with other people.  Not because I want to get compliments or that I like compliments or I want to know that people are seeing what I post.  But just because when I take a photo, I like to share the photo.  I like to share what means something to me.  A little insight to what makes me tick, so to speak.  And maybe they help cheer someone up.

So that's a bit about my photos.

Merging is an Ongoing Journey - My Laity Sunday Testimony

So, yesterday was Laity Sunday.

Before church - smiling even at 7am

And during the service, after the sermon, we had a time for testimony.  My sister shared something, someone else shared something.  And I shared the below.  It was supposed to conclude with a solo, Let There Be Peace On Earth, which I sang a year ago.  But we had a bit of a timing issue so I cut it.  (Hey, if you have to cut something, cut what you planned to do.)  Though I will say I feel bad because I worked on it Thursday and Sunday morning with someone and it seemed like all that work rehearsing it went out the window.

Anyway, I thought today I'd share the testimony I gave, since I had it written up so I wouldn't get dates and things wrong.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On March 8, 2020, as someone who loves to use media references, I was told a movie quote, whether they realized it or not, that resonated with me. That quote? It was said to Tony Stark during Avengers: Endgame, “Now you can rest.”

Though after that date, I along with some others, were joining this congregation, I stopped doing most of those promises I had made and revisited from time to time. I was ready to pray for my new congregation. And I was ready to be present, JUST PRESENT, in the ways we could at our new congregation. But I was not ready to do much else, at all, for what I thought would be a VERY LONG time.

Fast forward to October 2020 where I learned a very important lesson. Do not say to your small group leader who also happens to be a Lay Leader and the one planning the Laity Sunday 2020 service, “I just want to sit and watch everyone else this Laity Sunday.” Because just uttering those words leads to a text message that basically says, “Can you sing something for Laity Sunday?” And, you could say, the rest is history.

Most powerfully at work in my life since that point is gifts. As we have gone through the year so far talking about different forms of Stewardship, gifts are not just financial gifts but gifts of self to do the work of the church. A year ago, something opened inside of me at that point. On a personal level, I began to enjoy and love music again, especially organ music. But on a spiritual level, I wanted to do things again in the church. I wanted to be involved again. I wanted to share my gifts, which seem to be singing, being a slightly technical person, and leading – whether it is leading a meeting or a worship service. I didn’t want to rest any more.

I have grown so much in the past year because of this in so many ways. Once you start doing something on a regular basis, it becomes a habit. Yes, there are some bad habits. But there are also good habits, like living into these promises we make and continue to remind ourselves of when there are baptisms in church. Living into these promises helps one grow and improve many aspects of their life.

Thursday Thoughts - I Really Missed Train Riding!

Last Thursday I did something I hadn't done in two years.  Okay, a few things I hadn't done in two years.  But the one thing I wanted to write about was riding the train.

Over the past several years I really have only had one opportunity for riding a train, and that was going to New York Comic Con.  And after the break last year when there were no conventions, I was back on the train for one day this year.

It amazed me how, even after a couple years away, the routine of a train ride seemed to come back so quickly.  (As did leaving the train, getting to the subway, riding the subway, and walking to the Javits Center.)

On Saturday I went to my usual spot for sunset viewing.  The sun was very clouded over so no actual sunset viewing.  But I did spend some time watching the water, which was just as relaxing.  As I got out of my car, there was a train waiting at the station.  And while looking at it, I realized just how much I had missed riding the train.

Train coming into the Beacon Train Station

The picture I shared was actually from a week before the experience I'm writing about.  I have always, for some reason, loved the moment when you see a train coming around the corner into the train station.  Maybe it is the anticipation of getting on the train.  Sometimes I am at the train station really early so it might be the idea of getting to sit down.  Maybe it's hoping I can find just the right seat to sit in.  Or it may even be related to getting on the train and knowing the train will be taking me somewhere that I am excited to get to.

I'm not really sure.  But what I do know is I really did miss riding the train.  Even though I had to be masked during the ride it was still a great experience, listening to my music, reading a book, and every so often stopping to look out the window or take a picture.

Not sure when the next time will be that I get to ride a train.  It's not really something I ever thought of just doing to do.  But, maybe, since all tickets are considered off-peak until the end of 2021 (there's a travel tip for you!) and ridership seems to be down so there isn't a lot of crowding, it might be something to consider.

Merging is an Ongoing Journey - The Prep I Never Thought I'd Do

The really awesome thing about being part of a large church, with more than 1 person who Lay Servant training, is that there are a whole bunch of us who can do things, lead things, and plan things at any given time.

Laity Sunday is next week.  If you are a follower of my blog, you know I had quite the experience last year.  If you don't and this is your first time, let me sum it up quickly.  After years (and years and years) of planning and doing almost everything on Laity Sunday, I said I was just going to sit back and watch at my new church.  Lesson learned - do not say that in front of your small group leader who also happens to be planning Laity Sunday's service.  Because sit back I did not.

Luckily that experience will be part of the testimony I share on Laity Sunday.

But, here's the prep I never thought I'd do.

I worked with our Laity Team to plan the service.  It was about a month out when I figured we needed to start thinking about the service and, well, the planning began.  Yesterday I did the last of the planning, when I reviewed the various music that will be part of the service.

Taking up Sparkle's space on my bed with music prep

There have been so many different stages in my merging journey.  And celebrating as I passed the "it's been a year since..." anniversaries.  A year since the last worship service.  A year since our merger service.  And now coming up on a year since I did something in church that started a whole other journey I thought would never happen.  At least not as soon as it did.

Laity Sunday 2020 marked a special point in my life, both in church and at a personal level.  I've written about them before and they are part of what I will be sharing on Sunday.  So, maybe it was only appropriate that I did more for Laity Sunday 2021 than I thought I ever would.  I have had such growth and sometimes it has scared me and other times it has amazed me.  But through it all, I know that God has been the one guiding me, leading me, and supporting me.  

(Even when someone flusters me before I have to do something at church!)
 

Delayed Thursday Thoughts - Clarity

I was kinda busy yesterday, so I didn't get my usual blog up.  Ah well!  And now I write my delayed Thursday Thoughts.

I posted a picture on Facebook yesterday as the fog started to clear along my way on the train to New York City, talking a bit about clarity.  I didn't want to write a whole lot on the picture because usually if there is a long story, sometimes people just tune out and I figured my blog would be a great place to address it.

A brief moment of clarity at church before heading into a meeting (10/6/2021)

I have been seeking, through prayer, clarity (and patience) for many months now.  The prayer, for me, has been about a very specific personal thing.  Some people may guess what it is related to.  Others, maybe not.  But, this for me is still a prayer that I am praying because I am still seeking both clarity and patience on this particular personal thing.

But what I did find, was that while seeking clarity and patience on the personal thing, I found clarity (not really needing patience) on some other things.  Which, okay, I would have preferred the clarity on the personal thing going on.  BUT I do also know that God moves the way God is supposed to move and at least as I was praying for clarity on one thing, I received clarity in another way.

Where is my clarity?

Well, if you read one of the captions to one of the photos I posted yesterday, you will remember that the clarity was related to church stuff.  And I just wanted to speak a bit more on that.

What God has made clear for me is that I am no longer in a small church where there wasn't a whole lot going on anymore.  Okay, maybe that part didn't need to be clarified for me!  While I was in my small church, I got very involved in our district work and our conference work.  And that is all good stuff to do.  Except now I am part of a very active church with all sorts of stuff going on, and because of all my other responsibilities I am losing the ability to participate in my local church as much as I would like.  God has made it clear that I need to re-evaluate the work I am doing within the district and the conference, and figure out what needs to be taken out of my hands and put in someone else's hands so that I can refocus my efforts locally.

I have some sense of what I need to do, which is good.  Some of that has been made pretty clear to me.  But I am still trying to make some decisions as well.

And who knows, maybe when I get through all this clarity that God is providing, maybe my personal clarity will be revealed!  One can only hope.  Or at least I can only hope!  

So I continue to pray for clarity (and patience).  In all things, both related to church and related to my personal life.

Merging is an Ongoing Journey - Doing Things Alone ( = Stress)

I'm going to start this blog off by saying how I have talked several times about how it's great to be part of a group of people who do things.  There is more than one person in church who can take care of services while the pastor is away.  There is more than one person who is part of the technical team.  There is more than one person who can lead things.  And I am beyond grateful for that.

But sometimes, every great once and awhile, there is a time when one is alone.  That was me yesterday for an afternoon service.  Where I ran two computers and a sound board (Note: only viewed the sound board, never was really trained on it).....without coffee for 2 days.

Can you say STRESS?

Yes, I can.

Once things got going, I felt a bit better.

By the time it was all over, I wanted to just sit on the floor.  But anywhere in the sanctuary didn't seem appropriate so I went to my next favorite place, the choir room.  Why the floor?  Because I could stretch my legs out in front of me which, sometimes, is the most comfortable position for me when I'm over tired, stressed, or just have leg fatigue.

What was the next thing to do after that?

My reward...or my need?

COFFEE!!!!!!

Yes, I had my coffee.

I have been trying to avoid coffee on the weekends so I have a good day Sunday singing.  And after church there is usually a stop for coffee somewhere.  But this week I didn't stop until after the 2nd service.

I rely entirely too much on caffeine and especially coffee.  Every time I break away from it, I have disastrous results.  But, I think on days like I had yesterday, it might be a necessary evil to prevent all the other stress and things that come associated with stress.

Yes, I did make it through doing something on my own.  And I'm sure at some point I will have to do that again.  But, here's hoping not for awhile!