A story I need to share

A long time ago and not in a galaxy far, far away I was engaged.  

As an overweight person with a conservative view on how things in a relationship should be and things that I will not do until I'm married, my options for men are extremely limited. Please do not try to tell me that there is someone for everyone.  The reality is, sure there might be someone for everyone, but I am not about to give up my independence just to have someone.

I don't know why I feel compelled to tell this story now.  Maybe it is because my social media feeds are filled with pictures and stories of couples going through life doing their thing.  Maybe it is because I have never really told anyone this side of the relationship and I feel like now is the right time.

Because I was overweight, conservative, and an introvert I wound up engaged to someone who, was nice, smart, and didn't hit me...but who was also the first person who showed an interest in me because he saw me for who I was....weight issues, shyness, and all.

I didn't want to wind up alone so I was in the relationship...I was planning to get married....

But then I changed my mind.

See, he was smart.  Very book smart.  And I like smart.  But I don't like smart at my expense.  If you're smart, great!  Don't make me feel stupid though while you spout off your knowledge.  I constantly felt like I was wrong.  Even about things that I knew a little something about...there was always something I was wrong about.

He also seemed to think that everything in my life he had to be privy to, but things in his life he didn't have to share with me.  Whenever I would check my email around him, he was right there reading over my shoulder.  He had to know everything I read or wrote in emails or anywhere else.  I have a feeling if I was into social media back then like I am now, he'd have to have access to all my accounts to see what I posted and what I saw in my feeds.  But when it came to him even checking his own email while I was in the room - forget it.  I would leave the room for a few minutes, he would be checking his email, and as soon as I stepped back into the room, he would close his email.  I even said it was okay if he had to check his email - but he said no.  So, he needed to make sure he knew what I was getting in my email because he didn't trust me?  Or he didn't trust me to know or be aware that he even had email?  Or both?

I suddenly became part of something where there was no longer any "me" because my "me" was absorbed into the "us."  He gave me a sense that because we were engaged and going to be married, that we had to completely be a part of each other's lives outside of something like work.  Because that's what married couples did.  They did everything in their social lives together.

But the reality is, yes there are times when couples (married, engaged, dating, living together, whatever together) do things together.  But there are times they do things apart.  They may share some of the same friends.  But there are other friends that are closer to one side of the partnership than the other.  They may share likes in movies, hobbies, and music but I am sure that there are times when there are differences in those tastes.

So I finally came to the realization that I didn't want to lose "me."  I didn't want to be alone either, but not losing myself was more important than being part of a couple.  So I ended the relationship.

It was brutally hard for me.  I know it was a lot harder for him.  And I don't want to diminish that.  I hope he was able to find someone who fit into the mold he expected in a relationship that I just couldn't deal with.

There are times I regret the decision.  Because I am alone.  And it seems like everyone else around me has someone.  And that just reminds me that I'm alone.

But then I remember that God must have a bigger plan for me.  A plan that requires me to be the way I am right now.  A plan that needed me to not lose myself in a relationship that would cause me to lose my individuality.

And maybe someday I will figure out what that is.

The Things that Happen Over Several Months

Has it really been over 8 months since my last update?

And I was supposed to be blogging more.


So...I think I need to do better at this.

So much has happened since my last blog post.
And so much has not happened.

I turned 40.
I remained single.
I'm almost done with school (again).
I learned how to knit in the round and how to use a circular needle for flat knitting.
I keep trying to get Feedburner to work.
A couple good friends went to Heaven.
I have been happy and sad and excited and nervous and awake and tired.