Thursday Thoughts - Emotionally Confused

So I had quite the strange experience last weekend.  I had a great Saturday with my sister and niece as we traveled to Stew Leonard's in Danbury.  We got a bunch of stuff and probably should have gotten a cart instead of a basket.  But it was all really good and it was a fun day.  I did my usual Saturday night sunset viewing.  There were more clouds than sun so I didn't stay as long as I intended.  Plus I had a lot of walking to do because the parking lot where I usually went to was all blocked off.  But it wasn't a bad early evening.

Until I started to drive home and all of a sudden I started to cry.  There really was no reason for it.  I just felt very sad.  But it's not like I was sad because the sunset was full of clouds.  There had been a bit of a rainbow so that made up for the clouds!  And it wasn't too hot, so all the walking I had to do didn't discourage me.  So I can't explain my emotions.  I figured I'd go to sleep and wake up in the morning and be fine.

Sometimes hope is like the sun bursting from the clouds

Well, I wake up Sunday and feel, not ecstatic.  But I feel okay.  I get to church and do all the rehearsal stuff that I have to do and still feel alright.  We always pray before worship service.  And, as we start to pray, guess what happens?  If you guessed I started to cry, you would be right.  Again, out of nowhere for no reason I just start crying.  I'm able to get myself composed enough to sing and participate in service.

Until after the sermon when we had a time of prayer and I spent the entire silent time...crying.  And not having access to TISSUES!  Argh!  

I mean, I get having to let it all out sometimes.  But usually there's a reason behind it.  I'm stressed.  Maybe I'm sad.  Maybe I was hurt by something.  Maybe I'm in pain.  But it was frustrating that I had no idea why my body just said "CRY CRY CRY" and there was no reason behind it.

I felt emotionally confused.  Nothing in particular last weekend seemed to trigger it.  Except if I tried to talk about the original breakdown in my car.  Because then I just felt silly crying in front of people for no reason at all.  I mean, sure I could come up with reasons as to why I wanted to cry.  But they weren't things at the front of my mind when it was happening.

By Monday I was starting to feel marginally better and by Tuesday things seemed to be back on track.

Sometimes I just get like this, I guess.  And maybe I have to accept that sometimes there isn't a reason for it.  But I kind of wish there was so I had a better time articulating things to others about it.

Merging is an Ongoing Journey - Sight-reading & Strong Musical Memories

Sometimes my default is to write about music or musical musings because that is where my passion lies.  And after fighting some strange unknown emotional whatever this past weekend, and as a result, had one of my wicked "I can't even sleep" headaches I'm moving to my default.

One of the things about an ongoing journey is some of the familiar yet not of being part of a church choir.  For many years at Wappingers I was part of the choir, I took a break, then I returned, then I left again.  And now I am part of the PUMC choir.  This means regular rehearsals on Thursday nights and lots of laughter.  Because choir is fun.  Don't get me wrong, it's hard work too.  But it is fun as well.

One of the things I'm getting really good at again is sight-reading.  I was never a great sight-reader when it came to the flute.  However, I was pretty decent at using the same skill for singing.  It was a skill that I stopped using for awhile, because when you're not singing any more, you don't really use the skills you had for reading music.  But now I'm back singing again and using my sight-reading skills once again.  A lot, actually.  Because undoubtedly when we get a different piece of music in our folders, our awesome director Polly says, "You know this one, we've sung it before" and I say, "definitely a new piece for me!" 

So, I've been learning a lot of new music.

But at the same time, it has brought up some really strong musical memories for me as of late.

Sunset by the old UMC of Wappingers (3/2021)

The most recent strong musical memory is "Brother James Air" which is based on Psalm 23.  While I was in choir, we sang a lot of anthems.  If I heard them, I'd probably remember them.  Aside from some of the big pieces we did, there are very few single anthems that stick in my brain.  One is Faure's The Palms.  But the other was Brother James Air.  It is such a beautiful song that can be done with or without accompaniment (I've done it both), with a mixed choir or just female voices, and a lot people or just a few people.  It is such a great strong musical memory that I went on a tear Friday night and Saturday to find various videos of it on YouTube, just so I could relive others singing the song I could just pulled out of my head randomly, even if I hadn't sung it in years (which, I can do now because I haven't sung it in years and years).

Sometimes memories make one sad.  This particular song could make people sad too, because of the scripture it is based off of.  But this one makes me happy.  Even though it has been so long since I sang it with choir, and the people who I sang it with have moved on to other places, it still evokes such joy in me. 

So if you see/hear me singing it, and you see me with tears in my eyes, it's not because I am sad singing it, but I am so joyful I am crying.  Because I do that too!

Thursday Thoughts - Thoughts on a National Story

If you know me, you know that I hardly ever speak up or speak out on things that are in the news.  I have opinions to be sure.  I just never vocalize them outside of close family, friends, and sometimes if it comes up in a work environment.  But the current news story surrounding Gabby Petito has made me want to share something.

I do want to say, first, it isn't strictly about this particular news story.  It is bringing up a lot of other things, like why other missing people cases aren't the subject of national news.  And that definitely deserves attention.

It is more about hearing another situation where a couple, who you'd think were in love, going somewhere, and coming back with one half of the couple missing with no reason why.  Gabby isn't the first this has happened to nor is she the last.  But here is where I am at.

Me on 9/11/2021

This is me just a couple weeks ago, in one of my happy places, by the river at the Beacon train station with the sun setting behind me.  But this is me.  How I look, forgetting to take my sling bag off before taking the picture so you get flowers and the tank top I was wearing and a half smile as I awkwardly take the selfie and hope no one thinks I'm silly doing that.  It's me.

In posts on social media as well as in past blog entries I have talked about wanting to be part of a relationship.  Not one with God or my family or my friends, but being in a romantic relationship - or at least being able to go on a good date.  Sometimes it is because I feel like that is what the world expects of everyone and I am somehow less of a person because I don't have that.  Sometimes it's because I see couples out there and can't figure out how they are in a relationship and I can't find anyone.  And sometimes it's just because I really want that feeling again and it makes me sad that I don't have anyone who wants to hold my hand or just sit close to me or with their arm around me.

I'm not looking for pity.  Because as much as I desire all that and miss all that, here is where my brain went this past weekend:

"I want to fall in love again and I want a relationship and I want to get married, even though I'm 45 and look like me.  But I'm so afraid that some guy is going to come along, say they want to marry me, give me a ring and we start to plan the wedding.  And then I'm going to wind up like Gabby."

As much as I want love, I'm almost afraid of finding it because what happens if it seems to be going all great until it goes all wrong?   I guess, at least for me, if it ever comes to that, I'll definitely be seeking God's guidance!

Thanks for listening...or reading rather.

Merging is an Ongoing Journey - My Pastor is Unique

I guess you could say that about a lot of pastors.  They all have something about them that makes them different (or unique) from other pastors.

But here are just some of the ways my pastor is unique.

PUMC 9/19/2021

You see that upper left-hand corner?  That's a screen.  With my pastor sharing a sermon.  That he prerecorded.  While he was away on a trip with other church members.  That we played during our worship service.  That also got played over Zoom and YouTube.  All because he didn't want to overwhelm the lay servants and leaders who would be there to support the service.

Sometimes being the only person who comfortably and easily ran services (including giving a sermon), I've had pastors who have just said "I won't be there on this date" and I'd say about 95% of the time, I could cover without an issue.  Even if I covered multiple weeks in a row.  Or multiple times over the course of a few months.  I'm not complaining about it at all!  Each time was another opportunity to connect with God's Word that week and learn something new and share what God showed me to others.

But it was first strange for me to be added amongst a good sized group of laity who are also leaders in the church and have no issue providing a sermon or running a service.  So, it's not always me who has to step up.  But that is part of our job, is to be able to step up and cover when our pastor wants to take a weekend off to do something fun.

My pastor is unique in that he also cares for his laity and worries about overburdening them, while we the laity worry about overburdening our pastor.

So you saw the technology right?  Well, that's nothing really new because since the pandemic I'm sure a lot of pastors have created messages that they either gave live or prerecorded and posted somewhere for their congregants (and others) to see.  But, we played this prerecorded message during our service.  So it was like our pastor was there with us.

My pastor is unique in that he can be with us and still teach us in that way that we learn so much from, even when he isn't physically with us.

There are many other ways that my pastor is unique.  But these two reasons in particular are ones that I wanted to write about today.

I feel like I keep saying this, but as hard as the merging process was for me, it has also helped me grow.  Not just in musical ways.  Or gaining new friends.  Or new perspectives.  But also for expanding my knowledge in different areas, like how to use technology to reach all that we can.  And also for helping me learn how to be a better leader at church and a guide at church and a presenter at church.  Not just from my pastor but others in leadership positions as well.

I am so glad that every pastor is unique.  Because there is so much out there for me to learn.

Thursday Thoughts - 10 Random Thoughts

So I thought I'd share some more random thoughts that I've had over the past several months....

See Random Thought 1...

1 - My favorite spot to park and view the sunset (see above) has been torn up and stayed in the same state for a month. When is it going to change?  And be done?

2 - With COVID everything has been about not touching a lot of things in public areas, like bathrooms.  So, why isn't everything sensor-activated?  I've seen places with automatic sinks and paper towels, but not soap, or auto sinks and soap but not paper towels and no air driers in site.  There are very few places that have auto sinks, auto soap, and auto drying (paper or air).

3 - I hate the feeling I get during or after a headache when I seem to be much slower in articulating my words.

4 - I love bass lines.  (Have I said that before?)

5 - No, I am not stressed about church.

6 - I need to remember to drink more water at work.  And by "drink more water" I mean, more than 1 reusable bottle.  Or buy stock in coconut water.

7 - I had to buy a new reusable ice pack because my other packs have gone missing.  However, it froze so stiff I couldn't use it the way I wanted to.  So I have another hunt for an ice pack in my future.

8 - When I hear really good music I can't stop moving.  Though sometimes I really have to try because it may not be a situation where it is appropriate to show you are appreciating the music.

9 - I need to learn to save some of the pictures I take and not share them all to social media so I have something left for blog entries.

10 - I need to be patient and keep practicing my moon photos.  Because they are really cool!

Merging is an Ongoing Journey - I Shall Not Stress (?)

In my time at PUMC, I have written a sermon and led worship with the assistance of others, I have worked on an entire service including selecting music and prayers and everything in between, and now I'm preparing to lead worship that has been designed by our Pastor, including a sermon that will be recorded ahead of time.  The only thing I have to come up with is a Children's Message, prayers of the people, and a benediction.  And what I'd call transition words as we go from thing to thing.

So, no problem, right?

Sparkle when I'm stressed

I promised someone yesterday that I would not stress.  Because the last time when I did everything for the service, my stress level was apparently quite evident on my face until the service was over.

This is no stress, though, right?

I am trying to not let it show on my face.

But reality is, I don't want to mess things up for my pastor who will be away for a well-deserved weekend of enjoyment.  Or any of the other people who usually do "things" who will also be away for the same weekend of enjoyment.  Or the people who are present at church or will be viewing the service online.  I know whatever happens will happen and there won't be anything I can do about it.

So, right now, I am doing a good job (I hope) of not letting the stress show.  (Maybe?)  And I'm hoping that it stays that way.  I don't want to break my promise to my friend.  So I'm going to try really hard not to stress.  Or at least if I do, that no one can tell I'm stressed!

Thursday Thoughts - COVID has Changed Me

I didn't think I'd ever write something like this.  But here I am, writing it.

TSO 2019

This is a picture I took from the last concert I attended in person, the Trans-Siberian Orchestra (and from the front row too!).  They are doing sales now for fan club members who registered to be part of an early sale.  Unfortunately none of their shows are as close as I would like (closest is at Mohegan Sun in CT) - not even Albany which is where I have gone for years!  By the time I got into the sale this morning, most of the good seats were gone and I'm thinking, you know, I think maybe I won't go this year...or maybe I'll see what's available later when maybe I'm further away from people.

I love TSO.  They have been a concert staple for me for at least 10 years.  But COVID has changed me.  I no longer want to be in the front few rows or sections sitting practically on top of people's laps because they jam those seats as close together as humanly possible.  I'm disappointed, but not terribly so.

Same goes for New York Comic Con (NYCC).  The past several years I have gone all 4 days of the event, loving the train trip down and the subway travel to the Javits Center, and the busyness of the day and the crowds and everything.  This year, though they have reduced the capacity for each day, I'm really only excited about the first day - because I go with my bestie Jess!  But, though they have started to release panels and guests for other days, I don't have tickets for those days.  And I'm okay with not going.  I have this special membership thing and I'm trying to figure out how the online access works for things.  And I might go down one more day.  But usually I wind up getting all the stuff I want to on the first day and then use the other days for panels.  And I'm okay with not being in that environment.  At least not this year.

As I was contemplating these two events that I missed last year I realized that COVID has changed me.  I enjoyed people having to give space on line in a grocery store, because who needs someone hitting you with their cart?  Or hovering in your space?  I'm okay being together with smaller groups - like at church or work.  But I'm not sure about HUGELY LARGE groups.  At least not yet.

I didn't think it would change me the way it did.  But it has.  And I just thought I'd share.

Merging is an Ongoing Journey - Hanging Out with A Friend

 Back in high school I was involved in our church's youth group.  We liked to encourage other people to come to be part of our group, so I (and others) routinely invited our friends from school to join us in activities.  It was great because there weren't a lot of people in the church my own age, so having my friends there was really a lot of fun.

But as I grew older in church, I found that there was a separation between my church friends/family and my non-church family.  It was strange if you happened to run into someone you knew from church in somewhere that wasn't church - like the grocery store, a mall, or a restaurant.  Not a bad strange, just like a surprising strange that usually became a highlight of my day.

However, now as part of my journey, it seems that I am experiencing friendship within and outside of a church setting, with at least a few people.

The Wanamaker Organ 9/3/2021

Friday (9/3) I got to experience a road trip with a friend from church to do something that had nothing related to church.  And that was to see and hear the Wanamaker Organ in Philadelphia, PA.  This is the largest organ in the world (if you use an organ's ranks as a guide).  It was a long day, but a good one.  A safe trip down.  Being able to see and hear the organ.  Not getting lost.  Talking a lot.  Having lunch at, of all places, FRIENDLY'S (so glad I came across it).  I did a bit of singing to my driving mix.  Being able to stop at Wawa for my French Vanilla Cappuccino drinks. Driving home with some silence and some talking.

We so often think that you have to keep your church family/friends separate from your personal family/friends.  The only time you see and spend time with people from church is at church or some church-related function.  And that is a great way to get to know people better, so I'm not saying that is bad.  But what I have learned through my time at PUMC is that you don't necessarily have to keep those friendships within church events.  I know there are other gatherings that happen between church people that are outside the normal bounds of church.  And while church stuff may be discussed, it's not like a forced meeting or discussion - it happens naturally.

I'm hoping to have more of those experiences - not sure when, but at some point in the future!  It was a great day, and it would be nice to have more days like that.