I wrote the below and shared it on Saturday at Mom's Memorial Service. And I just wanted to share it here.
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| Mom on 12/8/2007 |
But my thoughts are all jumbled up, and even though this is typed out and I’m reading it from paper which I haven’t done in a long time, it still may come out jumbled.
I miss my Mom.
Growing up I always thought Mom was super strict. Or at the very least, she seemed stricter than the parents of my friends. So, one of the things I did not long after graduating college and getting my first full-time job was move out. You hear parents talk about this all the time – wanting their children to get through school and college and then get a job and move out because that is what you are “supposed to do.” No one in my family was a fan of my plan to move out – probably because there was other stuff behind it. But I did it anyway. It was during that time away that I found I grew closer to Mom – because even though I didn’t live at home, I talked to her every day on the phone. And a few years later circumstances changed, and I found myself needing to move back home. Mom never berated me for leaving and then having to come back. She never said, “I told you so!” And she never made me feel bad – even though I’m always in my own head and I made myself feel bad and I berated myself. But not Mom. We made plans to move me back home. And after all my stuff was moved into my room, and all the big furniture arranged just right, and my friends who had come to help me left – I stood in my room surrounded by boxes and garbage bags filled with stuff (because I ran out of boxes and all I had at my disposal was garbage bags) so overwhelmed with my seeming failure and all this stuff and I just started to cry. Mom came down the hall and asked what was wrong and I just wailed I was so overwhelmed and didn’t know what to do. She told me simply, “Just start with one bag at a time.”
So, in that spirit, I will start with one thought at a time.
Though Mom could be considered strict, she also did what she could to ensure that Jessica and I both had the experiences we wanted to have. What sticks out clearly is my senior year in high school when I thought I had to choose between going on the senior class trip to Disney World or competing with Wind Ensemble and Chamber Choir in Virginia Beach. And I remember saying something to Mom at one point about struggling to decide which trip I wanted to go on – and she told me I didn’t have to choose – she would find a way that I could do both. And I did.
They say that parents really shouldn’t try to be their child’s friend when they are growing up – because children need to know their parents are their parents. But as time goes on, you find that parents do become like friends. You can share your day with them. You can cry with them. You can share your frustrations with them and your crushes with them. And they keep it all to themselves, just like a friend would. And I am glad to say that I had that relationship with my mom.
Sometimes she didn’t understand why I did things I did. She didn’t understand why I kept going back for Master’s Degree after Master’s Degree. But she was at every graduation ceremony, even the 2020 ceremony that was held in 2022 on probably the worst weather day you could have imagined where we all looked like we got out of the shower by the time we got to Olive Garden to have a celebratory meal. She also didn’t understand why I’d drive 3 hours to see giant organs. But she did enjoy the pictures I’d show her afterwards, and part of me hopes maybe that helped her understand the why.
Mom and I went through crafting phases, spending weekends together on the couch. She would do her counted cross-stitching work and I would do whatever my craft of the time was – latch hook rugs, knitting, and eventually crocheting. First, we would watch football, college on Saturdays and the NFL on Sundays. The last many years, we were on one of two Hallmark Channels watching mysteries or Christmas movies.
In between that, Mom turned to old episodes of NCIS that aired on USA. It always seemed to be on, and for awhile we watched and re-watched episodes as they repeated. I miss the NCIS theme. See, some people in my phone have personalized ringtones made from music I personally owned in one way or another. Mom’s was the NCIS theme. It has to be at least 6 months since I last heard it. Because most of the time she called, I was at work so my phone was on silent. And in her last months – well, there were issues with the cell phone. Sometimes it was stressful when I knew she was calling. I’d see an old photo of our previous dog, Harmi pop up and when I would say hello, she would say, “Everything’s okay!” because there had been times when things weren’t okay and she was concerned about something or she didn’t know where someone was.
I miss the NCIS theme. I miss my Mom.
Last year Mom was bound and determined to go to Cape Cod, as she had for years and years. However, after the trip in 2022 when I led her to the area so she wouldn’t get lost – and it took double the amount of time to get there because she wouldn’t go over 45 miles an hour – I told her the only way she could go is if I drove her. And if we only went for a week. It also, unfortunately, meant Dad couldn’t go. Not because we wouldn’t be able to fit a 3rd passenger on the way there. But Mom’s plan is always to come back with at least 100 pounds of seed from the Birdwatcher’s General Store, her favorite place in the world so at that point, there wouldn’t be enough room to fit a 3rd passenger. And so, Mom’s last trip to Cape Cod was with me. Where we went to the Birdwatcher’s General Store every day and she sat in the front of the store on a chair and talked with everyone there. And brought in quite a bit of business – so it seemed. She earned an invitation to the Christmas Party for that. I had to earn mine by putting shirts away at the front of the store. I walked to Cooke’s Seafood every night to order and bring back our dinner – which wasn’t seafood. Mom always had a cheeseburger and fries and my meal varied. Also I highly recommend the Oreo milkshake if you’re ever there. But we did many of the things that she would do every year. And when we went to drive home on the last day, I thanked her for the vacation and she asked me “Did you get to do what you wanted to do? Did you have fun?” I told her I did.
I miss my Mom.
There are so many stories I could share. And so many things pop up that remind me of Mom. Every year I buy one of those page-a-day calendars for my desk at work. Last year I bought one called “Thoughts of Dog.” So many of the days what the dog had to say immediately reminded me of Sparkle. I’d take a picture of the entry and then read it to Mom. I miss sharing those with her. A few weeks ago Pastor Kregg in one of his sermons referenced the introduction to Mysteries shown on PBC, like Hercule Poirot movies, which was also something I watched with Mom. And one day I decided I was going to over-exaggerate the woman who wails with probably my worst operatic imitation ever. But it made Mom laugh. Which made me laugh. And when Pastor Kregg made that reference, I was immediately brought back to that time and it made me smile. Every time I see a bird, I remember Mom. And when my dog Sparkle chases a bird, I call after her, “Leave the birds alone! Mom would be so mad!” Not sure Sparkle hears me, but the birds make sure they fly away very quickly.
I thought about Mom a lot last weekend when I went to Annual Conference, since she had come for several years with me. And there were times of memorial during our laity session as well as a memorial service during the day on Saturday. When words spoken and sung just hit me so hard I couldn’t stop crying. You know you feel totally comfortable around your pastor when you just start crying while they are sitting next to you.
I know over time things will get a little easier. While things will still remind me of Mom, I won’t want to cry so much or hold back tears so much. And yes, I do know she is watching over me and I hope she remains proud of me and is okay with everything I am doing. I know she is no longer in any pain and is no longer sick – she has been completely healed and is with God.
I would be remiss if I didn’t express my gratitude for many things. I’m grateful for the love she showed me every day, even when I made choices she didn’t agree with or if we had a yelling match. I’m grateful for the time I had with her. I’m grateful she got to go on one last vacation to Cape Cod and enjoy herself. I’m grateful she was able to come to church here a few times to experience services where I was doing something or Jessica was doing something or Anastasia was doing something. By the way Anastasia, even though I know you and Grammy had your differences she loved you so much and was so proud of you for everything you did! I’m grateful she was able to meet some of the people here at PUMC who have impacted my life. I'm grateful I was able to pray with her while she was at The Grand. I’m grateful she was able to be prayed over and anointed by Pastor Kregg. I’m grateful that Mom was my Mom. To quote Young Sheldon, “There are 5 billion people on this planet, and you’re the perfect mom for me. What are the odds of that?” She was the perfect wife for Dad, the perfect Grammy for Anastasia, and the perfect Mom for Jessica, Alex, and I.
But I miss my Mom.
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