I wrote the below and shared it on Saturday at Mom's Memorial Service. And I just wanted to share it here.
|
Mom on 12/8/2007
|
How do you
summarize and share a few poignant memories of someone you have known literally
your whole life? And what memories do you share? Do you share monumental
memories or funny ones? Or a mix of both? Usually when I write things down to
speak them, things are very organized and I know how I want to get from Point A
to Point B to Point C.
But my
thoughts are all jumbled up, and even though this is typed out and I’m reading
it from paper which I haven’t done in a long time, it still may come out
jumbled.
I miss my
Mom.
Growing up I
always thought Mom was super strict. Or at the very least, she seemed stricter
than the parents of my friends. So, one of the things I did not long after
graduating college and getting my first full-time job was move out. You hear
parents talk about this all the time – wanting their children to get through
school and college and then get a job and move out because that is what you are
“supposed to do.” No one in my family was a fan of my plan to move out –
probably because there was other stuff behind it. But I did it anyway. It was
during that time away that I found I grew closer to Mom – because even though I
didn’t live at home, I talked to her every day on the phone. And a few years
later circumstances changed, and I found myself needing to move back home. Mom
never berated me for leaving and then having to come back. She never said, “I
told you so!” And she never made me feel bad – even though I’m always in my own
head and I made myself feel bad and I berated myself. But not Mom. We made plans
to move me back home. And after all my stuff was moved into my room, and all
the big furniture arranged just right, and my friends who had come to help me
left – I stood in my room surrounded by boxes and garbage bags filled with
stuff (because I ran out of boxes and all I had at my disposal was garbage
bags) so overwhelmed with my seeming failure and all this stuff and I just
started to cry. Mom came down the hall and asked what was wrong and I just
wailed I was so overwhelmed and didn’t know what to do. She told me simply,
“Just start with one bag at a time.”
So, in that
spirit, I will start with one thought at a time.
Though Mom
could be considered strict, she also did what she could to ensure that Jessica
and I both had the experiences we wanted to have. What sticks out clearly is my
senior year in high school when I thought I had to choose between going on the
senior class trip to Disney World or competing with Wind Ensemble and Chamber
Choir in Virginia Beach. And I remember saying something to Mom at one point
about struggling to decide which trip I wanted to go on – and she told me I
didn’t have to choose – she would find a way that I could do both. And I did.
They say
that parents really shouldn’t try to be their child’s friend when they are
growing up – because children need to know their parents are their parents. But
as time goes on, you find that parents do become like friends. You can share
your day with them. You can cry with them. You can share your frustrations with
them and your crushes with them. And they keep it all to themselves, just like
a friend would. And I am glad to say that I had that relationship with my mom.
Sometimes
she didn’t understand why I did things I did. She didn’t understand why I kept
going back for Master’s Degree after Master’s Degree. But she was at every
graduation ceremony, even the 2020 ceremony that was held in 2022 on probably
the worst weather day you could have imagined where we all looked like we got
out of the shower by the time we got to Olive Garden to have a celebratory
meal. She also didn’t understand why I’d drive 3 hours to see giant organs. But
she did enjoy the pictures I’d show her afterwards, and part of me hopes maybe
that helped her understand the why.
Mom and I
went through crafting phases, spending weekends together on the couch. She
would do her counted cross-stitching work and I would do whatever my craft of
the time was – latch hook rugs, knitting, and eventually crocheting. First, we
would watch football, college on Saturdays and the NFL on Sundays. The last
many years, we were on one of two Hallmark Channels watching mysteries or
Christmas movies.
In between that, Mom turned to old
episodes of NCIS that aired on USA. It always seemed to be on, and for awhile
we watched and re-watched episodes as they repeated. I miss the NCIS theme.
See, some people in my phone have personalized ringtones made from music I
personally owned in one way or another. Mom’s was the NCIS theme. It has to be
at least 6 months since I last heard it. Because most of the time she called, I
was at work so my phone was on silent. And in her last months – well, there
were issues with the cell phone. Sometimes it was stressful when I knew she was
calling. I’d see an old photo of our previous dog, Harmi pop up and when I
would say hello, she would say, “Everything’s okay!” because there had been
times when things weren’t okay and she was concerned about something or she
didn’t know where someone was.
I miss the NCIS theme. I miss my Mom.
Last year Mom was bound and
determined to go to Cape Cod, as she had for years and years. However, after
the trip in 2022 when I led her to the area so she wouldn’t get lost – and it
took double the amount of time to get there because she wouldn’t go over 45
miles an hour – I told her the only way she could go is if I drove her. And if
we only went for a week. It also, unfortunately, meant Dad couldn’t go. Not
because we wouldn’t be able to fit a 3rd passenger on the way there.
But Mom’s plan is always to come back with at least 100 pounds of seed from the
Birdwatcher’s General Store, her favorite place in the world so at that point,
there wouldn’t be enough room to fit a 3rd passenger. And so, Mom’s
last trip to Cape Cod was with me. Where we went to the Birdwatcher’s General
Store every day and she sat in the front of the store on a chair and talked
with everyone there. And brought in quite a bit of business – so it seemed. She
earned an invitation to the Christmas Party for that. I had to earn mine by
putting shirts away at the front of the store. I walked to Cooke’s Seafood
every night to order and bring back our dinner – which wasn’t seafood. Mom
always had a cheeseburger and fries and my meal varied. Also I highly recommend
the Oreo milkshake if you’re ever there. But we did many of the things that she
would do every year. And when we went to drive home on the last day, I thanked
her for the vacation and she asked me “Did you get to do what you wanted to do?
Did you have fun?” I told her I did.
I miss my Mom.
There are so many stories I could
share. And so many things pop up that remind me of Mom. Every year I buy one of
those page-a-day calendars for my desk at work. Last year I bought one called
“Thoughts of Dog.” So many of the days what the dog had to say immediately
reminded me of Sparkle. I’d take a picture of the entry and then read it to Mom.
I miss sharing those with her. A few weeks ago Pastor Kregg in one of his
sermons referenced the introduction to Mysteries shown on PBC, like Hercule
Poirot movies, which was also something I watched with Mom. And one day I
decided I was going to over-exaggerate the woman who wails with probably my
worst operatic imitation ever. But it made Mom laugh. Which made me laugh. And
when Pastor Kregg made that reference, I was immediately brought back to that
time and it made me smile. Every time I see a bird, I remember Mom. And when my
dog Sparkle chases a bird, I call after her, “Leave the birds alone! Mom would
be so mad!” Not sure Sparkle hears me, but the birds make sure they fly away
very quickly.
I thought about Mom a lot last
weekend when I went to Annual Conference, since she had come for several years
with me. And there were times of memorial during our laity session as well as a
memorial service during the day on Saturday. When words spoken and sung just
hit me so hard I couldn’t stop crying. You know you feel totally comfortable
around your pastor when you just start crying while they are sitting next to
you.
I know over time things will get a
little easier. While things will still remind me of Mom, I won’t want to cry so
much or hold back tears so much. And yes, I do know she is watching over me and
I hope she remains proud of me and is okay with everything I am doing. I know
she is no longer in any pain and is no longer sick – she has been completely
healed and is with God.
I would be remiss if I didn’t express
my gratitude for many things. I’m grateful for the love she showed me every
day, even when I made choices she didn’t agree with or if we had a yelling
match. I’m grateful for the time I had with her. I’m grateful she got to go on
one last vacation to Cape Cod and enjoy herself. I’m grateful she was able to
come to church here a few times to experience services where I was doing
something or Jessica was doing something or Anastasia was doing something. By
the way Anastasia, even though I know you and Grammy had your differences she
loved you so much and was so proud of you for everything you did! I’m grateful
she was able to meet some of the people here at PUMC who have impacted my life.
I'm grateful I was able to pray with her while she was at The Grand. I’m
grateful she was able to be prayed over and anointed by Pastor Kregg. I’m
grateful that Mom was my Mom. To quote Young Sheldon, “There are 5 billion
people on this planet, and you’re the perfect mom for me. What are the odds of
that?” She was the perfect wife for Dad, the perfect Grammy for Anastasia, and
the perfect Mom for Jessica, Alex, and I.
But I miss my Mom.