Thursday Thoughts - When You Can Tell Something is Wrong

Sunset 5/1/2021

I promise I will stop rehashing all this soon.  Because for one thing, it keeps upsetting me how stupid I was, not just for how I thought I was feeling but for not recognizing the issue sooner.  I do need to let go, move on, and focus on things that are physically in front of me and not virtually behind me.

Everyone knows that I have been slightly obsessed with sunsets for the past several months.  (And if you don't, you do now!)  Pretty much every weekend (or a Friday if I think the weekend isn't going to be so sunny) I've been finding a place to go to watch the sun set and take a ton of pictures.  Mostly it's been the Beacon Train Station (on the other side of the tracks) but I've gone a few other places too.  I have said it before - there is just something about watching the water and the sun setting behind something that is calming and a true time of peace for me.

Last Saturday this was not the case.  At all.  I was sitting, watching the sun set and the water, and I was anything but getting a sense of peace!  I was anxious.  If you read my last blog entry, you know why.  (Again, not rehashing.)  But I should have known something was up because I was not enjoying the sunset like I normally did.  I didn't stay as long as I usually did to get the last bit of light.  I didn't take as many pictures.  I didn't watch as much as I did previous times.

Music did not bring me as much joy as it once did.  On my playlist of all my favorite songs I couldn't find anything I wanted to listen to.  I moved to my vocal warmup songs to prepare for singing on Sunday, and I couldn't find anything I wanted to sing to.

Sunday came and I was with some of my favorite people preparing to lead worship.  And I wasn't my joyful self.  When the question about how I was came up, my answer was "I'm here" which should have been a key to me.  It was a sunny day.  It was warm.  It was ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL outside.  And all I could manage was "I'm here."  I should have been more than just "here."

I should have known something was wrong.  Very wrong.

It just took me a few hours after that to finally get it.

Our bodies tell us when they are tired and need rest, either sleeping or just sitting and putting your feet up.  Or when they are hungry.  Or when they are thirsty.  Or when a cold is coming on.

But our hearts tell us when things aren't right either.  Or our behaviors.  It is just up to us to recognize that.  I should have known something was wrong.  And maybe deep down I did because it kept bothering me.  I just wish it hadn't taken so long to realize it.