Monday Musing - Apple Cider Donuts

A few weeks ago Adams started selling their apple cider donuts in the front of their stores. They are also in the store in the bakery area but there's nothing like the smell of the donuts as you walk in and out of the store.

Bought in mid-September 2024

Now, I don't really like apple cider donuts - no matter where they are from. But there are other people in the house who do like them.

But here's the thing...when the apple cider donuts started getting advertised in the weekly flyer from Adam's, it was Mom's request every week after church that either Jessica or I stop at Adam's to pick up a pack of apple cider donuts for her before bed snack every week.

It was hard buying that first pack of donuts in mid-September. Because of the memory of buying them on a weekly basis for Mom.

But now I seem to be making new memories of why I'm buying the donuts.

Dad likes them as a change of pace for breakfast. Anastasia likes having one every once and awhile (because she prefers the Adam's apple cider donuts over other places). And Alex likes to have one too.

Mom's been gone for 6 months now. A whole half a year. And she was in the hospital and rehab for almost 3 months before that. Sometimes it feels like so long ago as we have kind of come to a new way of things in the house and we seem to have gotten used to not having her at home. But sometimes it still feels so new and I feel like when I come into the house after running out for something that she should still be sitting or laying on the couch when I come home. 

I used to only have to buy one package of donuts per week because Mom would have one a night for 6 nights and that was enough. But now I buy two because they are very popular in the house. So while I still have that memory of buying donuts for Mom on weekly basis I'm creating new memories of buying more donuts for Dad, and Alex, and Anastasia.

And I hope that's okay.

Monday Musing - The Service that was Hard

Yesterday I did something that I have done many times before, I led a worship service at church. But this one was harder than others.

My wireless mic of choice - a Wappingers Memory

I struggled a lot with coming up with a focus for the sermon, even though I had so much material to read and draw from. If you were there in person or watch the video back, I freely admitted this. I thought that maybe in all the reading I was just hit with a bit of writers block, which can happen to anyone.

But there was something else at the source of all this.

Turns out I was having another "I miss my Mom" moments.

My mom has heard or seen almost all of the services I have led - whether she was there in person or watched it live online or watched it later via YouTube. And the last couple years, even if she didn't see it or hear it or feel like watching it, she always knew when I was leading a service and would always ask me as soon as I came home and she was awake, "How did it go?"

I knew Mom wasn't going to be home on the couch waiting to ask me "How did it go?" And I guess in the back of my mind I was trying to avoid the inevitable. That I wasn't going to hear that and be able to answer that.

Yesterday was a hard one. Especially because it was also a year ago that I drove Mom home from her last vacation to Cape Cod. But hopefully that means the next one, whenever it is, will be a little easier.

Tuesday Thoughts - Another Thing I Miss

I am going to be 48 next month. And at least through December of this year, there was something I had to do otherwise I would fear the wrath of Mom. And that was call her at certain times.

Mom's Entry in my Phone

There were times I stayed late at work - sometimes it was because something was going on at work and I had to be there. Sometimes it was to attend an online meeting because it was quieter than trying to be at the same meeting at home. Before I left campus, I had to call home to let Mom know I was coming home.

There were times I headed down to White Plains for Conference meetings. Usually by the time I got there I only had time for a quick text to my sister, asking her to relay the message that I got to my destination okay. But when that wasn't possible, there were quick calls home to let Mom know I was there okay. And there were always calls once I got on the highway to let her know I was on my way home.

When I returned to choir or was at church for a meeting, there was always a call when I was on my way home.

Oh, and when I returned home from 1-day treks to Cape Cod to help Mom get herself up there or drive her and Dad around to places that they couldn't find, there was a call once I got home to let Mom know I made it home okay.

This went on until she was admitted in the hospital in January.

I don't know if it seemed weird to me because I lived in the house with her or what. But for years I found it slightly annoying. 

Until late last week. When it hit me that all Mom was doing was showing that she cared about me.

And I found I really missed being able to call her to let her know I was somewhere or that I was headed home. Not that I'm able to get out as much as I used to. 

The rest of my family cares about me - but there was just something different about the connection we had when I made those calls. 

I miss that caring.

I miss my Mom.

Tuesday Thoughts - Smooshy Sleeping Sparkle

 

Good Morning Sparkle (7/9/2024)

From the moment she came home with us, Sparkle has slept in a crate. Say what you want about crate training, it has worked well for us. And, over the past few years having to call 911 more times than I care to admit, having the crate for Sparkle to stay in when EMTs arrive (what we are told to do with the dog when they are on the way) has been helpful.

For the first several months at our home, I did have to lie by the crate to get Sparkle to go to sleep. But eventually I just had to sit by the crate. And then sit somewhere in sight of Sparkle, and then somewhere on the couch. Once she seems asleep (she has a few different positions that indicate this) I go to my room and go to bed.

Well lately we have continued our routine. And then one of three things happens:

1) Sparkle sleeps through the night in her crate like she always has. (This is becoming a less rare thing.)

2) I get ready for bed, turn out my light, lay down, and Sparkle wakes up and cries quietly.

3) I get ready for bed, turn out my light, lay down, watch videos for a bit, roll over and go to sleep for half an hour then get woken up by a YELP from Sparkle.

When 2 or 3 happens, I've learned now it isn't because she has to go out but because for whatever reason she thinks she needs to sleep with me. Which is quite the adjustment with a single-sized bed. And a dog that likes to stretch sometimes.

I'm not sure why all of a sudden she has this need to sleep with me.

Some nights I understand it. Because some nights I have struggled to sleep and at least her being near me has helped calm me down. Some nights I get sad and knowing she is there helps a little and keeps me from crying. Some nights I am just so frustrated with things and though I don't ever show it, I guess somehow she senses it.

But most nights - I just don't know what is going on.

Sure I can't take up my entire bed when I sleep when she is there. And sometimes I scare her awake if I have a nightmare and I start yelling in my sleep. But I can't be mad at her.  Because when I wake she is either sprawled on my feet like a pillow. Or she is laying next to me looking at me. Or she is along my side so when I sit up she sees me. And I guess in her mind, somewhere, it makes sense for her to be with me. Even though sometimes I can't for the life of me figure out why.

A Tuesday Tribute - My Mom

 

    I wrote the below and shared it on Saturday at Mom's Memorial Service. And I just wanted to share it here.

Mom on 12/8/2007

             How do you summarize and share a few poignant memories of someone you have known literally your whole life? And what memories do you share? Do you share monumental memories or funny ones? Or a mix of both? Usually when I write things down to speak them, things are very organized and I know how I want to get from Point A to Point B to Point C.

            But my thoughts are all jumbled up, and even though this is typed out and I’m reading it from paper which I haven’t done in a long time, it still may come out jumbled.

            I miss my Mom.

            Growing up I always thought Mom was super strict. Or at the very least, she seemed stricter than the parents of my friends. So, one of the things I did not long after graduating college and getting my first full-time job was move out. You hear parents talk about this all the time – wanting their children to get through school and college and then get a job and move out because that is what you are “supposed to do.” No one in my family was a fan of my plan to move out – probably because there was other stuff behind it. But I did it anyway. It was during that time away that I found I grew closer to Mom – because even though I didn’t live at home, I talked to her every day on the phone. And a few years later circumstances changed, and I found myself needing to move back home. Mom never berated me for leaving and then having to come back. She never said, “I told you so!” And she never made me feel bad – even though I’m always in my own head and I made myself feel bad and I berated myself. But not Mom. We made plans to move me back home. And after all my stuff was moved into my room, and all the big furniture arranged just right, and my friends who had come to help me left – I stood in my room surrounded by boxes and garbage bags filled with stuff (because I ran out of boxes and all I had at my disposal was garbage bags) so overwhelmed with my seeming failure and all this stuff and I just started to cry. Mom came down the hall and asked what was wrong and I just wailed I was so overwhelmed and didn’t know what to do. She told me simply, “Just start with one bag at a time.”

            So, in that spirit, I will start with one thought at a time.

            Though Mom could be considered strict, she also did what she could to ensure that Jessica and I both had the experiences we wanted to have. What sticks out clearly is my senior year in high school when I thought I had to choose between going on the senior class trip to Disney World or competing with Wind Ensemble and Chamber Choir in Virginia Beach. And I remember saying something to Mom at one point about struggling to decide which trip I wanted to go on – and she told me I didn’t have to choose – she would find a way that I could do both. And I did.

            They say that parents really shouldn’t try to be their child’s friend when they are growing up – because children need to know their parents are their parents. But as time goes on, you find that parents do become like friends. You can share your day with them. You can cry with them. You can share your frustrations with them and your crushes with them. And they keep it all to themselves, just like a friend would. And I am glad to say that I had that relationship with my mom.

            Sometimes she didn’t understand why I did things I did. She didn’t understand why I kept going back for Master’s Degree after Master’s Degree. But she was at every graduation ceremony, even the 2020 ceremony that was held in 2022 on probably the worst weather day you could have imagined where we all looked like we got out of the shower by the time we got to Olive Garden to have a celebratory meal. She also didn’t understand why I’d drive 3 hours to see giant organs. But she did enjoy the pictures I’d show her afterwards, and part of me hopes maybe that helped her understand the why.

            Mom and I went through crafting phases, spending weekends together on the couch. She would do her counted cross-stitching work and I would do whatever my craft of the time was – latch hook rugs, knitting, and eventually crocheting. First, we would watch football, college on Saturdays and the NFL on Sundays. The last many years, we were on one of two Hallmark Channels watching mysteries or Christmas movies.

In between that, Mom turned to old episodes of NCIS that aired on USA. It always seemed to be on, and for awhile we watched and re-watched episodes as they repeated. I miss the NCIS theme. See, some people in my phone have personalized ringtones made from music I personally owned in one way or another. Mom’s was the NCIS theme. It has to be at least 6 months since I last heard it. Because most of the time she called, I was at work so my phone was on silent. And in her last months – well, there were issues with the cell phone. Sometimes it was stressful when I knew she was calling. I’d see an old photo of our previous dog, Harmi pop up and when I would say hello, she would say, “Everything’s okay!” because there had been times when things weren’t okay and she was concerned about something or she didn’t know where someone was.

I miss the NCIS theme. I miss my Mom.

Last year Mom was bound and determined to go to Cape Cod, as she had for years and years. However, after the trip in 2022 when I led her to the area so she wouldn’t get lost – and it took double the amount of time to get there because she wouldn’t go over 45 miles an hour – I told her the only way she could go is if I drove her. And if we only went for a week. It also, unfortunately, meant Dad couldn’t go. Not because we wouldn’t be able to fit a 3^rd passenger on the way there. But Mom’s plan is always to come back with at least 100 pounds of seed from the Birdwatcher’s General Store, her favorite place in the world so at that point, there wouldn’t be enough room to fit a 3^rd passenger. And so, Mom’s last trip to Cape Cod was with me. Where we went to the Birdwatcher’s General Store every day and she sat in the front of the store on a chair and talked with everyone there. And brought in quite a bit of business – so it seemed. She earned an invitation to the Christmas Party for that. I had to earn mine by putting shirts away at the front of the store. I walked to Cooke’s Seafood every night to order and bring back our dinner – which wasn’t seafood. Mom always had a cheeseburger and fries and my meal varied. Also I highly recommend the Oreo milkshake if you’re ever there. But we did many of the things that she would do every year. And when we went to drive home on the last day, I thanked her for the vacation and she asked me “Did you get to do what you wanted to do? Did you have fun?” I told her I did.

I miss my Mom.

There are so many stories I could share. And so many things pop up that remind me of Mom. Every year I buy one of those page-a-day calendars for my desk at work. Last year I bought one called “Thoughts of Dog.” So many of the days what the dog had to say immediately reminded me of Sparkle. I’d take a picture of the entry and then read it to Mom. I miss sharing those with her. A few weeks ago Pastor Kregg in one of his sermons referenced the introduction to Mysteries shown on PBC, like Hercule Poirot movies, which was also something I watched with Mom. And one day I decided I was going to over-exaggerate the woman who wails with probably my worst operatic imitation ever. But it made Mom laugh. Which made me laugh. And when Pastor Kregg made that reference, I was immediately brought back to that time and it made me smile. Every time I see a bird, I remember Mom. And when my dog Sparkle chases a bird, I call after her, “Leave the birds alone! Mom would be so mad!” Not sure Sparkle hears me, but the birds make sure they fly away very quickly.

I thought about Mom a lot last weekend when I went to Annual Conference, since she had come for several years with me. And there were times of memorial during our laity session as well as a memorial service during the day on Saturday. When words spoken and sung just hit me so hard I couldn’t stop crying. You know you feel totally comfortable around your pastor when you just start crying while they are sitting next to you.

I know over time things will get a little easier. While things will still remind me of Mom, I won’t want to cry so much or hold back tears so much. And yes, I do know she is watching over me and I hope she remains proud of me and is okay with everything I am doing. I know she is no longer in any pain and is no longer sick – she has been completely healed and is with God.

I would be remiss if I didn’t express my gratitude for many things. I’m grateful for the love she showed me every day, even when I made choices she didn’t agree with or if we had a yelling match. I’m grateful for the time I had with her. I’m grateful she got to go on one last vacation to Cape Cod and enjoy herself. I’m grateful she was able to come to church here a few times to experience services where I was doing something or Jessica was doing something or Anastasia was doing something. By the way Anastasia, even though I know you and Grammy had your differences she loved you so much and was so proud of you for everything you did! I’m grateful she was able to meet some of the people here at PUMC who have impacted my life. I'm grateful I was able to pray with her while she was at The Grand. I’m grateful she was able to be prayed over and anointed by Pastor Kregg. I’m grateful that Mom was my Mom. To quote Young Sheldon, “There are 5 billion people on this planet, and you’re the perfect mom for me. What are the odds of that?” She was the perfect wife for Dad, the perfect Grammy for Anastasia, and the perfect Mom for Jessica, Alex, and I.

But I miss my Mom.

 

Monday Musing - Be Still

 

Easter Sunrise Service Bird - 2024

For several weeks I've been writing and rewriting a blog entry because I know it has been forever and a day that I have posted something. In fact, when I mentioned something the other day, my sister even commented it had been awhile since she saw something. I've been wanting to write about my mother in some way, but found it hard. And didn't want to make everyone cry with what I wrote, myself included. I'm having a tough enough time writing what I will be saying at her memorial service.

But last week I had the opportunity to write a 5 minute devotion. The New York Annual Conference Board of Laity hosts 6 weeks of morning time with God through a devotion, reading, music - whatever the person in charge of the day chooses. And I was asked to share this year on behalf of my district. I wrote something - which I read to one other person who was on the call. So I figured, you know what, I'll share this!

So with that said....

Psalm 46:10a (NRSV): "Be still, and know that I am God!"

The theme for General Conference and our own Annual Conference this year is “…And Know that I am God” which is the tail end of the first sentence of Psalm 46 verse 10. But I wanted to spend some time on the first two words of that sentence, because we may not take it into consideration sometimes.  “Be still.”

We are so busy, even when we try not to be busy, we are so busy. A month ago, I took a week off after my mother passed away. My plan was to take care of myself. To just sit. To reflect on my mother. To rest. To be in prayer. To be around for my family. To “be still.”

But instead, my sister and I met with the funeral home. I met with people from my congregation to start planning a Children’s Day service. I waited for the funeral home to call saying my mother’s remains were ready. That went on for two days. I went into work to take some scheduled photos. I went to church to lead a Church Council meeting. One day I went to church twice, once to plan my mother’s memorial service and then again later in the day to prepare our chancel area for our choir and to attend choir rehearsals. Plus, I still got up every morning like I was going to work so that I could get my father with Alzheimer's ready for the day with an aide who stays with him. And I had my dog constantly wanting attention because I was home and available to her. There was nothing about “being still” in all that.            

There is so much that clamors for our attention each day that no matter what we do to try to “be still” we can’t just “be still.” We check our phones to see if we have an email. And we may say that we will reply later if we see something that catches our attention, but thinking of the response or thinking about the email waiting to be replied to occupies your brain. I have a terrible habit that when I am trying to read something I break up the reading by playing a game on my phone or checking to see if there are any more cute dog or cat reels on Facebook. And forget about finding a place where you may say you will spend time in prayer or quiet contemplation so you can listen for God’s voice. I do it all the time. A nice quiet place communing with nature that God created – the perfect environment to sit and “be still.” Yet there I am dragging my phone out to take a photo or a video or to share said photos/videos with a friend.

As I write this, I’m working on a laptop with a sticker that I have put there that says, “Be still and know that I am God” yet I still struggle with being still, even with the daily reminder right in front of my face and literally at my fingertips. Being still is hard. And I’m sure there are some people out there in the world who have it figured out. Maybe someone listening here is able to find those moments to “be still.”

But maybe, just maybe, with God’s help we will be able to find those moments to “be still and know that I am God.”