Merging is a New Journey - Revived (and Music is my Obsession)

 I just looked and I have been writing these blog entries since February, 8 months.  And I know I just wrote an entry last week.  But participating in the Laity Sunday service yesterday really got to me in a way I totally did not expect.

My vocal warmup 10/18/2020

My iPod playing all 1,000+ songs in a random manner happened upon this particular song as I headed to church on Sunday. It was a good song to have a vocal warmup to with my planned early morning solo.  It was the first time I really belted out a song before I had properly woken up, before I had consumed my morning coffee, and certainly before the afternoon.  I tend to sing in the car, sometimes, on my drive home from places but never in the morning.  For no reason other than I usually am still in the process of waking up and I don't really feel like singing then.

So I get to church and go over some last-minute things and pray together before the service started.  And then I participated in the service.  By the postlude several things had happened:

1) I felt like a member of the congregation who did things for church, not just someone who was sitting and enjoying worship week after week.  I thought I had wanted to remain "dormant" and "resting" for longer, but that was no longer the case.

2) I had sung a solo in front of a bunch of people, some of whom I have gotten to know over the past few months, some of whom I remember the top half of faces from seeing them week after week, and some I had no idea who they were.  Yes, I was nervous. But I got through it.

3) I wanted to jump and dance to the music that was being shared.  Every so often that would happen with particular hymns.  But I haven't experienced it in awhile, until yesterday.

4) I have become obsessed with music.

I want to explain the last statement a bit.

I have always loved music.  I remember learning songs with whatever the children's choir was called at the Presbyterian church in Wappingers where we went before we started attending Wappingers UMC.  Music was always my favorite class in school from elementary school right through high school.  I sang in school choruses and played in band.  My love of music eventually grew to enjoying movie soundtracks, with John Williams as my first favorite composer.  Music classes gave me interest in my favorite movie musicals (Fiddler on the Roof) and large music performances such as Carl Orff's Carmina Burana and Paul McCartney's Liverpool Oratorio.  Church choir, as I got older, introduced me to John Rutter's Requiem, the entirety of Handel's Messiah (not just the Hallelujah Chorus), and Vivaldi's Gloria.

But at some point, there was this disconnect between music and what it did to me.  But that disconnect has been repaired.  I suddenly now have a reinvigorated love of music, that I was singing in the car this morning on my way to work.  I am singing songs with lyrics or musical parts of instrumental songs.  And not quietly.  Loudly.  Music is my obsession.

I do not know what is in my future for continued involvement at church.  But I am eagerly looking forward to whatever lies ahead.  Especially if it is music-based.

Merging is a New Journey - A Different Laity Sunday & Becoming Involved

 

A song from my iPod

Famous last words: I will NOT be doing anything for Laity Sunday this year except sitting back and watching everyone else!

Seriously.  I said that.  Ask my sister!

Guess what is NOT happening this Laity Sunday?

For those who don't know, Laity Sunday is something that has been done in the United Methodist Church for many years, going back originally to 1928 and a day set aside called "Laymen's Day" and then renamed in 1972 as Laity Sunday to recognize the work and mission of all of the people in the church and what they did not just within the 4 building walls but outside of those walls as well.

And, some of you may know that organizing and usually preaching on Laity Sunday has been one of my responsibilities for more years than I can remember.  Last year took a lot out of me because it was the last one at Wappingers, and even though I had a script to follow at the end I stopped using it and wound up anointing everyone who was there.  It drained me physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  So I was really looking forward to not doing ANYTHING this year.

So we move now into becoming involved.  Church was able to start up small groups again, so I reached out and was placed in a small group that meets every other Tuesday evening.  We are reading through a study book and discussing it.  The group is such a blessing and they welcomed me with open air arms (because we can't really have open arms for hugs).  And the first week I attended we talked about singing and being involved in choir (when singing in groups was allowed).

So....even though I wanted to take a break...I will now be participating in Laity Sunday.  Along with many other people. 

Last night we had rehearsal time.  And though many people's faces (or half faces) were familiar as I attended virtual worship and later in-person worship, I felt not like an outsider looking in but rather a true part of the congregation.  (Though I was VERY nervous before I had to rehearse what I was doing!)  Someone who is starting to get involved in more than just the worship experience.  

So why a picture of the song "Beautiful Ending" by BarlowGirl?  I sang this pretty loudly in my car on the way home from work on Friday, while I was tired and just not feeling right as a reaction from my flu shot the day before.  But the song has been a bit of an ear worm since Friday (along with Save the Child from Paul McCartney's Liverpool Oratorio) and an encouragement for me.

It will be a very different Laity Sunday for me this coming Sunday.  But I am looking forward to it.  And I am also looking forward to being more involved in the coming months and years with my new church family.

Merging is a New Journey - Work & Self Care

Marist Campus 8/2020

 
You didn't think I'd let this theme stop since we have been officially merged and attending as a part of the PUMC congregation, did you?  Because I am still learning new things.

With Marist handling the return and arrival of students differently this year, I thought maybe for once the weekend before classes I wouldn't have to work.  It turns out I was wrong and so the Sunday of PUMC's outdoor worship service at 8:30am which I was looking forward to...I had to miss.

The following week was the 5th Sunday service, which had a combined online/in person worship at 10am.  I was planning to go in person.  But then I was asked to work on Saturday, which led to Sunday being my only day off.

Missing a Sunday at church due to work around the opening of school has been part of my yearly routine, with very few exceptions.  (The last exception was during Hurricane Irene in 2011 when my birthday was on a Sunday and I requested off hoping to have plans that got cancelled.)  But, as I said, with things the way they were, I was expecting to not have the yearly routine.  I felt bad because I really wanted to be part of the outdoor worship service.  But, I was able to help students and welcome many back to campus, which I also enjoy.

During the time of COVID-19, many people have talked a lot about self care.  I never really gave it a lot of thought because to me I felt like even though for months I was working at home, with a few exceptions here and there having to come to campus, I was doing what I normally would have been doing so I did not think that I really needed to think about my own self care.

However, after working some of the craziest days, 7 days in a row, on campus, I decided I needed to enact my own self care.  Instead of attending worship in person to hear the state of the church, I opted for the live service from the comfort of my room.  I did get up with the intention to attend in person.  But after chatting with my sister who had said she didn't think we were going to go in person and thinking more about how I was feeling, I decided not to go.  I just needed the time to sit in comfortable clothes, listen to a great worship service, and be able to re-energize myself that way.  

I worry, sometimes, that people will think I'm not that serious about being part of the congregation if I miss something.  I know that is, in reality, not really the case.  It is something I struggle with though.  And something I know I have to work through.  I need to keep in mind that God knows my heart.  He knows that sometimes I have to work, which takes me away from a service but does not negate the love I have for Him and the work I do for Him.  He knows that sometimes I just need to stay home and worship that way, and it also does not take away from our relationship.  I am still finding my way through this journey of merging.  But slowly and surely I will get there.

Merging is a New Journey - Welcome!

Altar at PUMC on Sun. July 12, 2020

The hardest thing to do on Saturday, July 11th was that last drive away from the UMC of Wappingers.

The second hardest thing was the arrival at Poughkeepsie UMC.

Not that the drive was new, because I have been to Poughkeepsie UMC for various events and trainings.  I have driven by the building many (many) times on my way home from work when I take back roads to avoid Route 9.  But it was the first time driving there as an official member there, after so many years at Wappingers.

As the light left the former sanctuary in the hands of Pastor George Mangan, I started crying.  As I turned the lights out for the last time, I was crying.  As I drove away from Wappingers, I was crying.  I had finally sort of stopped, until that last 1/2 mile on Route 376 headed to Poughkeepsie UMC when I started crying again.

It was a mix of reasons.  Leaving the very familiar.  A feeling of failure.  A loss of purpose.

But it was not because I didn't feel welcome.

I did not have many opportunities to visit the church for a service prior to our merger.  In fact, I had not been able to go at all until Ash Wednesday.  But, there were opportunities to meet people from the congregation, and everyone from the moment they found out I was from Wappingers, were very welcoming and expressed excitement over the impending merger.

Ash Wednesday I was greeted at the end of the service by my former high school chorus director, Polly James.  Back in high school I said to myself, one time after hearing her play something, that when I got married, I was going to have her play the organ.  I didn't care where the church was or who the organist was at the time, she was going to play.  I have told very few people that.  I never got that opportunity, still being single.  I did, however, get the opportunity to hear her play the organ though this past Sunday when she played as a prelude an arrangement of a hymn, which made me so very happy.

Back to July 11th, as I was crying yet again upon my arrival at Poughkeepsie UMC.  As I pulled into the driveway, there was someone waiting to direct us to the parking lot - with a huge smile on their face waving a welcome.  I had to laugh because there I was, driving in my own sadness, met with joy from one of many people who were honestly very glad that we were now part of their church family.

I was welcomed at the door by people who didn't know me, yet, but welcomed me just the same.  And not just like "Oh you are new here so I have to be nice to you" but rather "We are so glad that you are here and part of our family!"

This welcoming continued on Sunday, July 12th when Poughkeepsie was able to have their first in-person Sunday worship service.  And it continued still this past Sunday when I returned after two weeks away, covering for my former Pastor (George) at his other appointed church as he prepared to move to Long Island for his next appointment.

When we had new people attend our church at Wappingers, I always tried to be friendly to them and make them feel welcome.  Not overburdening, so that they get frightened away.  But enough so they know they are cared for and are appreciated.  It is often a hard thing to walk into the doors of an unfamiliar church where so many people already know each other.  I have definitely been made to feel welcome at Poughkeepsie.  And I am looking forward to the time when I feel comfortable enough to return the favor and make others feel welcome when they first walk through the doors of the building.

Merging is a New Journey - A Hard Day

De-consecrated & Lights Out

Saturday, July 11th was officially the closing and de-consecration service for the United Methodist Church of Wappingers.  It was full of varying emotions.  Joy to be back in the building.  Glad to see church family members (both old and new) again.  Sadness as the sanctuary went from being a holy place to worship God to just another part of a huge building.  Wondering if I could have done more to prevent this from happening.  Fear as I drove to a new place.  A sense of welcoming when someone greeted us as we pulled into the driveway of the church, waving with a huge smile on their face.  Laughter when Pastor George finally wound up taking the wireless microphone with him (it only took a year and a half).  Learning how to be "just a member" once again with no responsibilities except to sit, listen, and learn.

I had nightmares for two days of everything that could have gone wrong on that day.  The computer wouldn't work (it hadn't been touched in 4 months).  The projector wouldn't work (again, 4 months since we used it).  The slide show of photos wouldn't be allowed to be shown.  My phone battery would die during the live stream.  None of that came to fruition.

When I took some of the photos during the course of two services, there was no emotion tied to them.  The picture at the top of this blog entry was not one of those photos.  It was taken after the church had been de-consecrated, everyone had left the sanctuary, everything was shut down, and I turned the lights out.  I have taken that particular view of the sanctuary many times.  But never with the candles and Bible removed.  And never with the lights out.  It was the last photo I took at the United Methodist Church of Wappingers.

Saturday was a very hard day.  Sunday was also a bit hard.

Sunday was the first time I attended in-church worship at Poughkeepsie, my new church home.  The in-church service was at 8:30am.  No, it wasn't the early time that made it hard.  I woke up at my usual "going in to work" time, which also became my "going to church and getting everything ready" time for the last two years.  We left the house at the same "going to church and getting everything ready" time.  But, it was attending a Sunday service, where I had no responsibility.  I didn't have to get a computer going and a presentation viewing.  I didn't have to run a sound system.  I didn't have to fill candles with oil.  And I didn't have to clean out a candle lighter, which became almost a weekly task.

But it was a bit hard in that I am still trying to learn to "rest."  And Sunday I just had to go to church to learn.  Sure, it was different because of the restrictions to keep people safe as we struggle through COVID-19.  But, I am still finding it difficult to rest.  To feel like it is okay to rest.  I am sure I will get it.  Eventually.  (Though first I have to cover a couple Sundays for Beacon before I fully begin my life as a PUMC member.)

I know there is more to come.  I know there are great things God has planned for me.  And, in order to get there, you have to go through the hard things first.  And, so I shall.  And know that God is in charge.

Merging is a New Journey - Repurposed

Getting Repurposed

We are still winding down, we think.  There are always last-minute things to take care of.  To finalize.  To be sure everything is okay for what we have planned.

But on my mind lately is how things are being repurposed.

This picture is a dress I had bought with the full intention of wearing it on Easter Sunday, because by then we would be attending a new church and it probably would be nice to dress up for Easter.  But COVID-19 happened and the dress sat in a bag, unworn.  It is now being repurposed as my Closing Service dress.

I, too, am being repurposed.  For so long, my church identity lay in the various roles I held within the church.  A lot of the roles came as a result of my position as Lay Leader.  But others I had for other reasons.  Like Financial Secretary, Liturgist, Runner of Technology, Cleaner of the Candle Lighter, and Lay Servant with Preaching.  Okay...that last one isn't going away.  But most of those other reasons.  I was appointed into them.  I inherited them.  I took them on because they needed to be done.

But now I am being repurposed.  What will my repurposed role be?  I am honestly not sure.  For a time, all I wanted to do was really rest and learn from Sunday services online.  But then soon, part of my working nature kept saying to me, "You know, you could do something.  You could easily make a video of yourself reading Scripture.  You could offer to sing something.  You could offer to help where it was needed." And then, the need to step back and rest would fill my head...because I was a little afraid of being repurposed.

What's that saying?  One person's trash is another person's treasure?  Not that I am trash.  But, at least how I am considering it now, it is a statement about stuff sold at a Garage Sale, Yard Sale, or "Trash and Treasure" Sale winds up being repurposed and becoming something else.  I need to allow myself to be repurposed, just like my Easter/Closing Service dress.

And so, on this last post before our Closing Service (we think), I am willing to allow myself to be repurposed for God's will in my new life as a member of Poughkeepsie UMC.

Merging is a New Journey - The End is Near (really)

Me - Christmas Eve 2019

In mid-March life for those of us in New York changed quite a bit.  Our state went into what was called "PAUSE" which would begin on a Sunday evening, while simultaneously, churches were told to not meet in person days prior to the official start of PAUSE.

What did that mean for the UMC of Wappingers?  It meant we, too, had to PAUSE our plans for a closing service.

In a sense, we had put much of the anxiety of closing behind us.  We already had a nice last Sunday worship service (at the end of which I cried, even during singing my favorite hymn of all time).  We had a great meal together.  We were ready to become part of a new church family.

But then, we had to PAUSE.  And though there was nothing we could do about it, we still had a familiar space to say good bye to.  We had a way of doing things to say good bye to.  But, for me, though there was a lot of confusion, a feeling of being constantly in flux, and a loss of church identity...there was also this sense that I was still a member of Wappingers.  I knew stuff was working in the background.  But it kind of got pushed out of my mind for a time.

Until now, when we have a (tentative) closing service date yet again, in just about a week.  And all the feelings of anxiety, stress, and sadness return.

I know the building is just a building and the church is so much more than that.  People come and go, and church is so much more than that.  I don't want to hold onto the memories of times past to go back to those times.  But rather, because there was a lot to learn from those memories.  There were happy memories, sad ones, confusing ones, hurtful ones, growing ones, and learning ones.  In the quiet times my brain fills with things and my emotion runs over.

There are times I feel I failed as a leader.  But, knowing the times we are coming out of, I know that we are headed in the right direction and now it is time for me to lead in a different way.

The end is near.  But the beginning is just around the corner.